Words cannot express properly how I feel right now.

Some of you might know that I'm a member (albeit infrequently) of the website Storm Artists, a great website where aspiring artists, in whatever genre they choose, can go and post their works.

Some good friends from my old Deviant Art days joined me over there, and I've had the pleasure of making a few more since I've been there.

One such friend is a wonderful lady known as Ele. She could tell that I've been having some...problems...as of late, and wanted to give me a gift.

She sent me one of her paintings, Missing You.

I loved it when she first posted it. Something about that piece really caught my eye. I was moved then...and now that I'm holding the original piece, a print she sent me all the way from Australia...I'm moved beyond words.

"Thank you" is insufficient. It can't match how I feel.

I've been blessed with some dear friends. To those of you out there...thank you.

I can't show a copy of the picture here. Storm Artists has set up their site so pics can't be hotlinked, but click the link and go see for yourself.

While I'm not the strong and silent type...

...I don't have something to say every day.

Julie asked me in an IM earlier why I don't blog every day, and I told her I don't always have something to say. She said "I know you have a lot to say so it surprises me you don't post everyday".

We talk. We talk a lot, so I can understand where she's coming from in this, but there are times, really, I don't have anything to post on here.

I went out and saw My Kid yesterday. It wasn't a good visit, nor was it a bad one. She cut her arm open the other day on her wheelchair...I think it slipped off the side as they were brining her back from something, and she got a 6cm gash. Since she's on blood thinners, they had to take extra care with her. She's got a big gauze rap on her arm.

All she did yesterday was sit in her wheelchair and droop. She couldn't lift her head up. I asked her to, and she'd lift it half an inch. I had to reach over and lift her head up to get her to look in my eyes.

With My Kid, I never know if it's a sympathy ploy, she's genuinely given up, or she's just tired.

Sigh.

It's Memorial Day here in the states. Take a few moments out of your day and remember those who've sacrificed so you can get this day off.

I'll try and write more, but I won't promise anything.

"I will be the answer, at the end of the line..."

Another Friday evening, relaxing at home.

It kinda caught me by surprise that this is Monday is Memorial Day. I didn't realize it. Amazing how not working can throw off your schedule.

If I was at work, I'd be looking forward to Memorial Day, simply because it'd be the first holiday off I'd have from work since New Year's Day. Since I've been away from the place for...sheesh...over two months now...

Wow. Over two months.

Gonna try and get my buddy over here to put the front porch awnings up this weekend. I still have to scrape and paint the porch. Haven't done it yet...you'd think with all the time I have on my hands, I'd have it done lickety-split.

Not the case. Honestly, this week, I've found it very difficult to do much of anything. No motivation. Didn't want to do shit. No desire to leave the house.

That last part scared me. Literally scared me. Finally forced me to act and get off my lazy and slightly oversized but still adorable butt.

See, something similar happened to My Kid 12 years ago. She got fired, and she came into this house, closed the door behind her and lost herself from the world.

Being scared of ending up like that motivated me. Talking to a dear friend helped. Having the woman I love verbally kick my ass helped too.

Julie.

Finding her...is the one bright, shining point in the darkness that has been the last two months. I love her so. God, how I love her.

She'll give me Hell, but she is so beautiful. She can't see it in herself, but...she is beautiful. Her friends know it. Her kids know it. I know it. I hope and pray I can show her how beautiful she is, and maybe she'll believe it.

I drive her crazy, I know. Stupid little things I do, just in being myself, things that those of you who know me, know what I do...they drive her crazy.

I'd do almost anything for her. I've driven 1,000 miles, round trip, twice, to be with her, and if she said she needed me, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I've watched her sleep...she hates it when I "stare" at her, but I can't take my eyes off of her, sometimes. She's got this beauty, this glow...

I'm a fool in love. There are no other words to describe it.

Just sitting here listening to Sarah McLachlan in concert. There's a song (and with me, there's always a song, as we all know) that I've found describes how I feel for her better than any word I can ever speak.

The song is called "Answer", and I dedicate this now to the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. The woman I want to be with. My true love, my soulmate.


Julie, this is for you.

Sarah McLachlan - Answer

The Onestar Philosophy

Been awhile since I've posted this. It's time. I'm due. :)

* I've learned to enjoy the time I have with my friends.
* There's no sense in staying mad at anyone or anything. It won't bother them, and all it will do is eat away at your soul.
* I don't screw, lay, poke, fuck, hump, bone, or have sex. I make love.
* You leave me alone, I'll leave you alone.
* I don't believe in working any longer than I have to. When its quitting time, I am out the door. You don't like it, tough.
* Life is too short to rush through. Slow down, take your time, and relax.
* I don't believe in politics. They're a game for the rich and the idle few.
* It may be trite, but I'm a lover, not a fighter.
* I no longer know what the future has in store for me. Everything I once thought would be...no longer is. I prefer to live my life one day at a time, and wait and see what tomorrow will bring.
* Don't tailgate me while I'm driving. Instead of going faster, I'll slow down on your ass.
* There is no such a thing as coincidence. I don't believe in it.
* Also, I don't believe in if anymore. It's an illusion.
* Real women have curves. I've never been attracted to waif-thin supermodels, and probably never will.
* I can live without TV. I can't live without music.
* Try and see things from the other's person point of view. Respect their opinion while maintaining your own.
* I lead, for good or ill, with my heart.
* I talk a lot because I really have nothing important to say. When I have something worthwhile to say...believe me, you'll understand. Otherwise...I just talk shit.
* As a good friend has taught me, take the time to breathe and be.
* Remember you're not gonna be right all the time. It's okay to admit you're wrong, and believe me, I'm usually wrong. Doesn't stop me from trying again.
* Never say never. There are just too many possibilities in life...you have no idea what tomorrow will bring.
* It's not the destination that's important, it's the journey.
* I get frustrated. We all do. Sometimes I forget to step back and take a breath when that happens, and just try again, but eventually I remember.
* The trick is to never stop trying. Even if you make the same mistake over and over again, never give up.
* I'll try just about anything once, but there are some things I will not do.
* I won't drink, I won't smoke, and I won't get involved in a menage a trois. Why piss off two women when I can piss of one just as easily?
* Try not to go to bed angry. It just ruins a perfectly good night's sleep.
* Believe it or not, I try to stay fairly upbeat.
* We define our lives by the limitations we set on them.
* And last but not least, I like to smile. Especially at the damnedest times...it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Saturday night in Pittsburgh

John Denver once sang about how good it is to be back home again. I've been home for two days now, and while it is good to be back home, all things considered...

Hi, kids. I'm back in the 'Burgh again.

Julie suggested (in that loving, you-know-I'm-right-so-listen-to-your-woman kind of voice) that I leave earlier than I did, but as we all know, I've got this bit of a stubborn streak in me. Left DeKalb around 2 in the afternoon, and ran into a bit of construction congestion south of Chicago and again inside Indiana. No matter what time I'd left, I would've run into it. Leaving around then, I miss any rush hour traffic I might find near Chi-town.

Mind you, I didn't want to leave. Reality and logically speaking, however, I knew I had to go. Julie...God, I love her...needs time to adjust to me (as we all know, I can take a bit to get used to) and with the stress she's going through right now, she needs some time to breathe.

Her Gram's dying. She's 99 years old, bless her heart, and she's got congestive heart failure. She's a fighter, though. She may be ready to move onto the next world, but her body wants to stick around. I had the chance to meet her, and I must say...she's quite a woman. I'm only sorry I had to meet her under these circumstances, and I didn't get to meet her in her prime. I have a feeling she'd have danced me under the table. ;)

Also had the chance to meet some of Julie's family and closest friends. Her brothers...I think one of them likes me, the other...doesn't know me well enough to make a decision yet. Her best girlfriends, on the other hand, I think they like me. Her whole family is wonderful, and when I'm there...it feels like home.

Leaving gets harder every time.

Took a bunch of pictures while I was out there. I think Julie was surprised by the number I took (I know she's not comfortable in front of the camera, but she's so beautiful...I try to respect her wishes, but I can't help myself sometimes), and most of those shots won't see the light of day, but there's one I had to share with everyone here:




But now I'm back here. I'd hoped to do some yardwork today, but the weather decided to work against me...it started raining as soon as I went to go out to cut the grass. Oh, well...some other time.

I think I'm going to go make some dinner now. Maybe throw a pizza on the cooker. I'm recording the NASCAR All-Star race for Julie right now...it must be love if I'm willing to have NASCAR on my TV. I'm teasing!

No news on the job front to report. When I have something to say about it, I will.

How's things with everyone else?

Greetings from DeKalb!

I'm sitting in my ladylove's living room in DeKalb.

For those of you who've read her blog, you saw I got here the other day. The drive wasn't that bad this time...it only took about 8+ hour this time. Since I knew where I was going, having done it before, I was able to go a little faster.

Of course, to get back here to her arms, I think I'd crawl if I needed to.

Her Gram isn't feeling too well. She's 99 years old, God bless her, and I think it's amazing she's made it this far. Her brother and one of her best girlfriends drove up here from North Carolina to be with her, and she asked me to come up as well.

Driving out here, it felt like I was coming back home. I feel at home here. I love her, I love her kids, I love her friends...I'm welcomed here. It feels...right.

My home in Pittsburgh is waiting for me, as are the problems that are there.

For the moment...it's all good. I'm here. I'm home.

Pepper...pepper...pepper

So a lot of you have been wondering about the pepper shaker in this picture.

Okay, so while I was visiting my lady last weekend, we went out with a couple of her friends to dinner. Nice little place (whose name escapes me at the moment...Julie?), sports bar-slash-restaurant. Great food.

They bring our order, and I notice there's no pepper shaker on the table. I have fries. I need pepper. :-)

I ask the waitress for some, and she brings it. Simple and straightforward, yes?

We go to leave and my beautiful, loving, warm, caring and oh-so-sexy girlfriend decides...I need the pepper shaker. So she takes it.

Wonderful! I'm in love with a kleptomaniac!

We brought it back home, sat at the table and played some games with her (and now my) friends. It was a great time. When it came time for the picture, the pepper shaker had to be there.

The pepper shaker came home with me. A small memento...a keepsake...of our first weekend together.

My love is a klepto. Sigh...I can see my life is going to be so, so interesting.

Like I was sayin'...

I never thought I'd come back here and post again.

I intended to walk away from this blog never to return. There was something that happened...something that shook me to my very core...and I'd decided to follow a new line, a new direction, a singular lifestyle.

I closed this blog, deleted a handful of posts, and moved onto other things. I'd made a conscious choice to live the rest of my life alone.

Well, that lasted all of a good four and a half months.

The Universe is an amazing thing. It gives us what we need, never what we want. If we don't listen to its voice as it whispers in our ear, it whacks us upside the head with a, heh, baseball bat. At that point, you'd better listen.

There have been some major changes in my life. Those closest to me know about them, knowing the truth when I was in that Singular place. I need not go into them now. Let's just say, I'm not at my old job anymore, and I'm looking down the road for new opportunities while still trying to figure out how to close doors behind me.

And I have found my true love.

I wasn't looking for her. I was serious in accepting my place in this universe alone, but...somehow, in this whole big world, I've found her. My love. My other half. My soulmate. Someone who understand the world and sees it as I do and wants the same things in life, the little things, the things that are most important. She gets it, and so do I.

She can explain it far better than I. I try, and it's like trying, sometimes, to pin Jello to the wall. It's a feeling that is in my heart that words seem somehow inadequate to fully describe. She's a little better at explaining it, so I invite you to see her blog, read what she has to say, and maybe you'll understand.

My Julie. My love.

She is the love I was meant to find. She is the one I am worthy of, and she is so precious to me.

I went to another place, another blog, where I was Singular. I can't stay there any longer because I am no longer alone. I've found the other half of my heart. With her I am happy, I am complete.

So I've come back here.

I know there are people out there who've come here for the past few months looking for me, wondering if I'd ever post here again. I'm here, and I'm not afraid of anything you might have to say. You can't hurt me anymore. I'm better, stronger, and in love. A real love, a true love.

My love.

Onestar...wait.
Scratch that.

Eric's back, folks.