I saw her standing there

About a year ago, I lost my best friend.

I met her back in college, lo those many moons ago. She was one of those people who, when you met her, you liked her instantly. She had that aura around her, an open, friendly, pleasant personality that just drew you in and made you feel comfortable.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I had a crush on her from day one. Had fate not intervened, and she was dating one of my friends at the time, I would've asked her out then and there, but that's not something I do. It's not honorable...it's not proper.

Still, we remained friends for years. After college, we both found work at that University, albiet in different departments. I'd visit when I could, we'd hang out on occasion, share laughs, e-mails, and the what-not. She was still dating my friend, so there was no thought of relationship, just of friendship. But there was something about her that drew me closer to her, that made me want to spend the time with her.

That made me fall in love with her.

Still, she was with someone. I was honor-bound not to act on my feelings, but I still told her. I should have listened when she told me she didn't feel the same, but fools in love who listen to their hearts never hear such things.

Years passed. We remained friends, even though we both left that University for other jobs. After an 11-year relationship with my friend (who I hadn't seen in a long, long time by this point) fell apart, we spent a little more time together, hanging out, going places, being together. I did my damndest to ignore that little voice inside me. It was persistent, but I ignored it. She was just getting over someone. I had to wait. Be patient. Stay there for her as a friend and hope it would work out.

Looking back, I should have seen the signs. I should have realized she still didn't feel the same, but...well...you know.

One year, I wanted to spend my birthday with her, but she kept blowing me off and blowing me off, until the point that I didn't even bother talking to her for a couple months. I went to another friends wedding and met someone there who I really hit it off with. Sure, she lived on the other side of the country, but we stayed in touch, and I was loyal to her.

A few months after that, she called me and wanted to get together. I told her up front I was seeing someone else. I can't help but wonder if that's when she decided to start seeing other guys...guess I'll never know. Doesn't matter. That was the end. Although the woman I met at the wedding and I didn't stay a couple, but still remain friends to this day, the damage was done.

Flash forward a year or so. My best friend and I became closer, and I got my hopes up. Could it be the time? Could it be she's starting to feel the same as I do? I poured my heart out to her, telling her things I'd held inside for years. She didn't say a word, instead just listening to what I had to say. I told her to think about what I said...even though foolishly I apologized a short time later, thinking that her lack of response meant I went too far in saying what I said.

See, it always seemed like I was the one pouring my heart out to her and she never responded. Maybe she didn't feel comfortable with it. Maybe she didn't know what to say. Maybe she didn't feel the same and didn't want to hurt my feelings. Damned if I knew.

Trust me on this one: It's better for someone to come out and tell you bad news than to never say a word to you. Knowing, even if it hurts, is better than not knowing.

There's an Elton John song, "Funeral for a friend/Love lies bleeding" that's been going through the back of my head for the last month or two. There's a line in it...

"No, it doesn't seem a year ago to this very day,
She said I'm sorry honey, if I don't change the pace, I can't face another day."

It's been about a year since I've spoken to my best friend. She called me on Sunday evening, to catch up. It'd been about six months since we'd spoken, and although I knew she was with someone else again, my heart always skipped a beat when I talked to her.

Here's a piece of advice for anyone willing to listen: Never tell someone who's admitted they were in love with you that you've told someone else you love them. It's worse, especially since I told her "I love you", and never once did she say it back to me.

It was then I ended an 18-year friendship.

---(*)---

I saw her on the street corner on my drive to work this morning. She'd just come from Starbucks, sipping the coffee she needed to start her day. She never was much of a morning person.

I was a good 10 feet from her and she didn't see me. Typical. She never was observant of her surroundings.

She's lost weight. She looked good, even though she looks like she hadn't gotten that much sleep the night before, but then, she did have trouble sleeping.

The light turned green. I drove right past her...if she was paying attention, she would've seen my car. The license plate's a giveaway: She would've known it was me right away. But she just kept looking the other direction. Didn't really surprise me.

I got a block away, and the skies suddenly opened up and the rains poured down to the ground. It's like the skies knew of all the tears I'd shed for her over the years, and wanted to return the favor, crying for me since I no longer cry over her.

Might take me a little longer than most guys, but eventutally, I do get the message. I finally accepted that she never loved me, and despite the way we parted, I wish her nothing but happiness.

It's just the right thing to do.

Roses (not from the south)

A pretty picture to brighten up your day.



That's all for now...

No title can really fit here, so...

* The kid had some tests done today, and we probably won't get the results of them until later this week. She's nervous...more like scared...about them, and is really depressed about it. I've done just about everything I can to cheer her up, but it ain't working.

* I found some white chocolate M&Ms, by the way. They're not too bad. Don't "ewwww" them until you try some.

* I'm going to shoot for getting tickets to Saturday night's Pirates game. Of course, I'm gonna take the kid, in the hopes to cheer her up a little. She's got a new pair of binoculars (bought them for her last week) and she's been itching to try them out.

Mind you, when I gave her the binoculars, you'd swore I'd given her a solid gold bar. She was so thrilled, so happy...it's the truth that little things given from those you care for most mean more than anything.

* Oh, and I bought myself a new ring. (As a friend told me recently, retail therapy does do wonders for the soul.) It's a nice, simple ring, a nice sized Amethyst (even though it's not my birthstone, but I already have a Star Sapphire...), and it looks good on me. Here's a pic of it:



Okay, that's all for now. When I think of anything else to say, I'll say it...er, ah...type it...whatever.

Oh. My. God.

I just saw a commercial that will cause me no end of problems.

They're now making White Chocolate M&Ms.

I must hunt down this creature...this elusive prey...and make it my own.

Damn. White Chocolate M&Ms. I've gotta try those.

What's the big deal with 6/6/06 anyway?

The number "666" doesn't mean much to me, really.

When I was a kid, they rigged the state's Daily Number lottery so the number 666 would pay off. I never watched The Omen (scary movies and I don't get along, period), so I never knew the connection between the two until years later.

Mind you, numbers fascinate me, but I didn't do much different today than I do any other day.

Tomorrow, the Kid's got a doctor's appointment, so her regular doc can check her out after the dry heaves last week. She hasn't seemed to have the heaves since, 'cept for a couple times. I'm not sure if it's the medication they gave her or whatever bug she had has passed. Either way, this is disconcerting. I'll admit it. I'm concerned.

Right now, I'm just gonna relax and watch the baseball game...

And so goes the weekend...

It's a quiet Sunday afternoon around here. Relaxed in the easy chair, Pirates game on the TV, typing away at the laptop...

The Kid's still got an upset stomach. She's still taking medication before she eats, and I've gotta make an appointment for her to see the doc soon, see what could be causing these problems.

It's been raining off and on all weekend. There were some incredible cloud structures yesterday, but naturally, I didn't bring the camera with me. Such is the way it goes, I believe: Some things aren't meant to be recorded on film. They're meant for the camera in the mind's eye only.

Last week was rough. Some things happened that have never happened before. Some changes were made. Some plans have been started that will lead to further changes.

I just wonder what this week will bring.