For those of you who aren't aware, and even for those of you who are, my mother has had more than her share of problems as of late. She's been diagnosed with depression and cognitive disorders, as well as dementia and possible onset of Altzheimer's.
The last year of her life, and to a certain extent mine, has been extremely difficult. For three months, she was in a psychiatric hospital and only within the last week been transferred to a nursing home/rehabilitation centre. She's looking at long-term nursing care, where she can get 24/7 care and support.
She's not going to be able to come home again.
Just as background, my mother and I have always been very close. My father died when I was 11, so for the longest time, it'd be me and her. My brothers, all older, had for the most part moved out by the time I came along, settling into lives of their own. They and I both knew that I'd be the one to take care of her as she got older, and that was something I willingly accepted and enjoyed.
Over the last year, she'd become more anxious, more nervous, hearing and seeing things that weren't there, sleepless, restless...
I did everything I could for her, but it finally reached a point, three months ago, when I knew I did all I could. We made arrangement with a social worker she'd been seeing, and she admitted herself to the hospital.
Over the last couple months, I'd seen a strong woman fall apart. Someone once sure of herself disappear and this new person appear.
Every day, I'd get a phone call and there'd be some new development. Blood clots near her lungs. Falls, where she'd cut herself and they'd have to watch her because she's on blood thinners. I got to the point where I'd just wake up in the morning and wonder what would happen next, and be in fear of that inevitable phone call telling me just what that was...
Today, I got a call from the nursing home. A piece of food has entered her lungs. She's aspirated. She's forgeting how to chew her food and they're either going to have to alter her diet or, Heavens forbid as a last result, they might have to put a feeding tube in her.
When I got that phone call this morning, my brain just shut down. After making the obligatory phone calls to let my brothers know, and after talking with them for a few minutes, my brain shut down. I needed to just walk.
I always liked walking. It's very relaxing, just me, my feet, the pavement, the sounds of the world around me. When it's right, it's one of the few times I can stop thinking, stop worrying, stop wondering if I'm doing the right thing or if I've said the right thing or what's going to happen next and I can just BE. It's so rare for me to just BE. I savor those moments.
While out walking, I was crossing a bridge, and someone had scribbled these words on the railing.
Faith God Hope Love Trust
Stopping there, I leaned on that railing on those words. I'd seen them before, mind you. Such simple concepts. If you don't believe in God, you can substitute Allah, The Universe, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, whatever you wish. It's the concept of something greater than all of us, and for me, the word God works just fine. I'm not going to debate religion with anyone. My beliefs are my own, and I'm not interested in sharing them right now. Just accept these words and leave it at that.
Faith God Hope Love Trust
At some point, I know someone's gonna come along and clean those words, those powerful concepts, away. I took my crappy cell phone, used the even crappier camera and did my best to catch those words, because I believe that's something that must be shared.
So I share them with you.
Faith God Hope Love Trust
Don't bother with comments. They're disabled. Don't bother to note me about this. The thoughts and prayers are appreciated, but either you've gone through something like this before or you'll go through it yourself some day. If it's the former, you understand what I'm going through and that's good enough for me. If the latter, understand that when your time comes, know my thoughts and prayers are with you. Just reflect on this, and hopefully it will help you too.
Faith God Hope Love Trust
