Saturday night. 11:30 PM.
My living room.
Nothing on but the Christmas lights and the glow of the laptop.
Listening to "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones. A gift from a dear friend.
Went out and saw My Kid today. She looked and sounded pretty good. Voice was strong, she was sharp and alert. It was a good day.
We talked...although I did most of the talking. She did joke around a little and talk some. She's doing pretty good, but she's nowhere near where she once was.
Last night, I was telling a buddy of mine about her, and how I wanted to bring her home for Christmas.
He put things into perspective for me. He said "You want to bring her to your home for Christmas. She's already in her home."
I have to admit it, but he's right. I have to stop thinking of this as her home as well. It's my home now, as cruel as that sounds. It hurts to admit that. It hurts to think that this isn't her home any longer. It's mine.
What I've said before stays the same. Her room will not change. I'll leave it exactly as is (except for the dust...I'll change it every now and then). The rest of the house? I'll leave some things as is, change some others.
But it's mine...and this is my time.
You can't always get what you want, but you'll get what you need.
I still need to find out who I am. I still need to just be me. I still need to be.
I hope I find me someday.
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It's kinda fitting I'm walking away with my wife in this photo, since I've walked away from this blog. After almost 20 years, The Journal of Onestar is no more. I'll leave these posts here for awhile. Oh, and to my stalkers, thanks for visiting. See you around sometime...
Who am I?
- Eric S.
- And I'm actually pretty cool with just being me.
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- Full Moon and High Tide (Private)
- The Flower Pot (Private)
- pros/e/yes
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- This is My Inside Voice
- World of Weird-Z
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- Explosive Blogorrhea
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- From Rain To Hope
- Leghump Blog Orgy
- Cerise Rouge
- Mobile Photo
- Post Secret
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- Chickweed Café
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- BLDGBLOG
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- Bizarro!
- Tales from the Discount Bin
- Singularity Point (Private)
5 comments:
Yes, she is hin her home...and, I have tried to tell you that, too, lovingly, of course. Bringing her to your house would be traumatic, for everyone involved, and the biggest trauma would be when she had to leave...and, you don't want that on your hands, or mind.
It takes years to find who you are. Those who say that they have, in a short period of time, are fooling themselves.
Breathe in , exhale, breathe in, exhale. Baby steps, baby steps, towards finding who you are. Don't try to rush it.
<3 xoxo
I know, m'dear.
I think Paul Simon said it best:
"When something goes wrong, I'm the first to admit it, and the last one to know."
;)
Lorri is right and even though I am totally and completely unexperienced in this field, it does feel more right to leave her in her home, as much as it seems wrong. It will be difficult for you, but know that when you need a listening ear, I am here for you buddy.
Oh, and by the by, how do you create those links to other blogs or remote sites on your blog front page; haven't been able to figure that out yet :P
ReAaching for what feels normal is natural. It's only a matter of readjusting your norms - easier said than done. But you are on your way. New traditions don't erase the old. We all adjust as life requires. You're doing well, my friend. Keep breathing.
Aren't we all hoping we find ourselves, though? *hugs*
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