I saw her standing there

About a year ago, I lost my best friend.

I met her back in college, lo those many moons ago. She was one of those people who, when you met her, you liked her instantly. She had that aura around her, an open, friendly, pleasant personality that just drew you in and made you feel comfortable.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I had a crush on her from day one. Had fate not intervened, and she was dating one of my friends at the time, I would've asked her out then and there, but that's not something I do. It's not honorable...it's not proper.

Still, we remained friends for years. After college, we both found work at that University, albiet in different departments. I'd visit when I could, we'd hang out on occasion, share laughs, e-mails, and the what-not. She was still dating my friend, so there was no thought of relationship, just of friendship. But there was something about her that drew me closer to her, that made me want to spend the time with her.

That made me fall in love with her.

Still, she was with someone. I was honor-bound not to act on my feelings, but I still told her. I should have listened when she told me she didn't feel the same, but fools in love who listen to their hearts never hear such things.

Years passed. We remained friends, even though we both left that University for other jobs. After an 11-year relationship with my friend (who I hadn't seen in a long, long time by this point) fell apart, we spent a little more time together, hanging out, going places, being together. I did my damndest to ignore that little voice inside me. It was persistent, but I ignored it. She was just getting over someone. I had to wait. Be patient. Stay there for her as a friend and hope it would work out.

Looking back, I should have seen the signs. I should have realized she still didn't feel the same, but...well...you know.

One year, I wanted to spend my birthday with her, but she kept blowing me off and blowing me off, until the point that I didn't even bother talking to her for a couple months. I went to another friends wedding and met someone there who I really hit it off with. Sure, she lived on the other side of the country, but we stayed in touch, and I was loyal to her.

A few months after that, she called me and wanted to get together. I told her up front I was seeing someone else. I can't help but wonder if that's when she decided to start seeing other guys...guess I'll never know. Doesn't matter. That was the end. Although the woman I met at the wedding and I didn't stay a couple, but still remain friends to this day, the damage was done.

Flash forward a year or so. My best friend and I became closer, and I got my hopes up. Could it be the time? Could it be she's starting to feel the same as I do? I poured my heart out to her, telling her things I'd held inside for years. She didn't say a word, instead just listening to what I had to say. I told her to think about what I said...even though foolishly I apologized a short time later, thinking that her lack of response meant I went too far in saying what I said.

See, it always seemed like I was the one pouring my heart out to her and she never responded. Maybe she didn't feel comfortable with it. Maybe she didn't know what to say. Maybe she didn't feel the same and didn't want to hurt my feelings. Damned if I knew.

Trust me on this one: It's better for someone to come out and tell you bad news than to never say a word to you. Knowing, even if it hurts, is better than not knowing.

There's an Elton John song, "Funeral for a friend/Love lies bleeding" that's been going through the back of my head for the last month or two. There's a line in it...

"No, it doesn't seem a year ago to this very day,
She said I'm sorry honey, if I don't change the pace, I can't face another day."

It's been about a year since I've spoken to my best friend. She called me on Sunday evening, to catch up. It'd been about six months since we'd spoken, and although I knew she was with someone else again, my heart always skipped a beat when I talked to her.

Here's a piece of advice for anyone willing to listen: Never tell someone who's admitted they were in love with you that you've told someone else you love them. It's worse, especially since I told her "I love you", and never once did she say it back to me.

It was then I ended an 18-year friendship.

---(*)---

I saw her on the street corner on my drive to work this morning. She'd just come from Starbucks, sipping the coffee she needed to start her day. She never was much of a morning person.

I was a good 10 feet from her and she didn't see me. Typical. She never was observant of her surroundings.

She's lost weight. She looked good, even though she looks like she hadn't gotten that much sleep the night before, but then, she did have trouble sleeping.

The light turned green. I drove right past her...if she was paying attention, she would've seen my car. The license plate's a giveaway: She would've known it was me right away. But she just kept looking the other direction. Didn't really surprise me.

I got a block away, and the skies suddenly opened up and the rains poured down to the ground. It's like the skies knew of all the tears I'd shed for her over the years, and wanted to return the favor, crying for me since I no longer cry over her.

Might take me a little longer than most guys, but eventutally, I do get the message. I finally accepted that she never loved me, and despite the way we parted, I wish her nothing but happiness.

It's just the right thing to do.