Snow, freezing rain, sleet...it's all good

The worst snowstorm in years has hit here.
There's a good six inches of the white stuff outside. I've shoveled twice already, and I'll probably go out and shovel again pretty soon.

Except now I hear the freezing rain hit the window.

My boss let us leave work early today. I came home, had some lunch and took a nap.

My heart goes out to whomever has to work outside today. It goes out to those who can't stay home and just watch the snow fall.

No worries about me. I'll be safe and sound. It's all good. :)

Presenting OneDesktop 2007: The Breakdown

If you're reading this, you're obviously bored beyond words. I cannot help you.

1. The PC itself. Hasn't been upgraded too much (although a new motherboard with native SATA support and an extra 512MB RAM, brining it up to a total of 2GB, were added late last year), and still works for me very well. This baby will NOT see Vista anytime soon.

2. Palm Tungsten T3. Four-and-a-half year old PDA. Works great, but if I get 20 minutes out of the battery these days, I'm lucky.

3. Wireless router. Encrypted. Don't even think about hacking my network. I'll hunt you down and hurt you. Seriously.

4. 1994 World Series Baseball. My precious.

5. Assorted stuff, as follows:

Rings (in ring cases)
Gorillapod (small)
Bluetooth GPS unit
Paper holder

6. Rocket (sitting atop a speaker)

7. 18" display (currently showing my Flying Toasted screen saver...perhaps the finest screen saver ever created)

8. Logitech Quickcam, for when I feel like showing off to the world.

9. Assorted desk toys. Boys must have their toys, after all. In no particular order:

Dragon statues
Miniature bottle of Tabasco
Hot Wheels motorcycles
Incomplete roll of pre-1970 pennies (still collecting them)
Silver quarter (1960)
CR 2032 battery (slightly obscured)

10. Antz (sitting atop the other speaker)

11. HP Deskjet Photoprinter. A workhorse of a printer. The photo ink cartridge is the red thing sitting down on the desk next to the other speaker.

12. Green Arrow. One of my all-time favourite comic book heroes.

13. Some random Star Wars starfighter.

14. Canceled check statements I've yet to go through. One of these years...

15. R2-D2. He makes noise when you push his chest. Envy me.

16. My favourite object d'art.

17. My scanner. Sitting atop the scanner are papers I have to scan. Packing slips, mostly. I try and make electronic copies of the important papers, and then forget where I store them...

18. The Junk Pile.

Okay, let's see...we've got my iRiver H10 (20GB) player, some random CDs and cases,
another GPS unit (because one cannot have enough GPS receivers lying around the house), a 100GB external hard drive (music backup), a CD case (buried on the bottom), some more rings, pens, a tablet, Hoffa (sike!), a letter opener, assorted other odds and ends...

Venture into The Junk Pile at your own risk.

19. Top Desk Drawer, with some more desk-related items. It's not open for a reason.

20. Bottom Desk Drawer. See above, but it's the bottom drawer.

21. My leather desk chair. Nice high back. Fits my butt well. Those who see and sit in it are envious.

22. UPS (off screen) and Logitech Wingman Wireless game controller (also off screen).

23. Sliding keyboard tray (installed by yours truly).

24. Logitech G15 Keyboard. Note the function keys on the left side. That's what sold me on this keyboard. I'm used the old Gateway 2000 keyboard with the function keys on the left. Those programmable keys are a lifesaver for an old hacker like me, used to keyboard shortcuts.

25. USB Flash drives (2). The larger blue one is 512MB, and the smaller gray one is 2GB.

26. Usually blank space, currenly occupied by a CD I've got to remember to send the Priestess, and a fortune from a fortune cookie. :)

27. Logitech (yes, I do buy a lot of their stuff, 'cause it works) wireless mouse and wrist rest. Please note the cardboard mousepad I use.

I put far too much effort into this. Looks like you're not the only one bored out there...

I bought my own car yesterday

If you just looked at the title of this entry, no doubt, you'd be a bit confused.

My 97 Saturn, which just recently passed 100,000 miles, was in My Kid's name. When we bought it all those years ago, she was eligible for discounted "first-time" buyer financing, even though I'm the one who made all the payments on the car.

From the onset, we called it "our car", even though she used it all the time, did all the driving (this was after she was fired from her job) so she could go out and have some feeling of independence.

Even after her vision started to get bad, she stopped driving and I started driving it full-time, we left it in her name. I told her it'd be easier to keep the handicapped placard if it was in her name, but really, it was just so she could still feel useful, important...it didn't matter to me, honestly.

When I had to start the application process for her nursing home benefits, there was a concern I'd have to sell the car off, but they said no. One car is exempt. Anything more than that, and I'd have had to sell it.

Out of everything else I had to take care of, switching the car to my name was the last to accomplish. The original title to the car became lost somewhere in the house, so I had to order a new one. It arrived last week, so yesterday, I went to our local AAA (they're authorized to handle such things in Pennsylvania), and had the title transferred.

So, yeah, I own my own car now. A strange feeling, to say the least, but over the past year-plus, I've come to accept the strange things in life as the norm.

Song for the day

And I would do anything for love
I'd run right into hell and back
I would do anything for love
I'd never lie to you and that's a fact
But I'll never forget the way you feel right now,
Oh no, no way
And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

Anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

Some days it don't come easy
Some days it don't come hard
Some days it don't come at all, and these are the days that never end
Some nights you're breathing fire
Some nights you're carved in ice
Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before or will again

Maybe I'm crazy, but it's crazy and it's true
I know you can save me, no-one else can save me now but you

As long as the planets are turning
As long as the stars are burning
As long dreams are coming true
You'd better believe it, that I would do

Anything for love
And I'l be there until the final act
I would do anything for love, and I'll take a vow and seal a pact
But I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way, tonight
I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that

Some days I pray for silence
Some days I pray for soul
Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n' roll
Some nights I lose the feeling
Some nights I lose control
Some nights I just lose it all when I watch you dance and the thunder rolls

Maybe I'm lonely, that's all I'm qualified to be
That's just one and only, the one and only promise I can keep

As long as the wheels are turning
As long as the fires are burning
As long as your prayers are coming true
You'd better believe it, that I would do

Anything for love
And you know it's true and that's a fact
I would do anything for love, and there'll never be no turning back
But I'll never do it better than I do it with you. So long, so long
I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that
No, no, no, I won't do...

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do...

But I'll never stop dreaming of you ev'ry night of my life, no way
I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

Will you raise me up? will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town?
Will you make it all a little less cold?

I can do that
I can do that

Will you hold me sacred? Will you hold me tight?
Can you colourise my life, I'm so sick of black and white?
Can you make it all a little less old?

I can do that
Oh no, I can do that

Will you make me some magic with your own two hands?
Will you build and emerald city with these grains of sand?
Can you give me something I can take home?

I can do that
I can do that

Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I've never known?

I can do that
Oh no, I can do that

After a while you'll forget everything
It was a brief interlude and a midsummer night's fling
And you'll see that it's time to move on

I won't do that
I won't do that

I know the territory, I've been around
It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down
Sooner or later you'll be screwing around

I won't do that
No, I won't do that

Anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

One Hundred Thousand Miles

Tonight, the car hit 100,000 miles. For my metric friends, I believe this converts to either 2.754 million kilometers, or 12 hectares.

Not bad for a ten-and-a-half year old car.

I was ready for it. Had the camera with me when I went out to dinner tonight.

Stopped at one of the local malls after getting a bite to eat to wander around, visit with a friend that works at one of the local stores (thankfully, it wasn't busy so we could chat for a few minutes), and then got back in the car to go for a tea and a stop at Barnes and Noble.

Headed out of the parking lot, it happened.

I even used the camera to record a video. Mind you, it's not the best quality, but what do you expect when I'm driving with my left hand and holding the camera with my right, while watching the road...

Still, I think it was pretty good. See for yourself (and this is the first time I've used YouTube, so be gentle):

Unknown Caller

It's most annoying.

Someone's been calling the house for the past few days, and the caller ID says it's "Unknown Caller".

I was home for one of those calls. Answered the phone, but no one spoke.

I must admit, I love the sounds of silence as much as the next person, but really, if you're gonna call me, say something.

If you're the person who's been calling me and not saying a thing, at least leave a message if I'm not here, willya?

I'm sure you'll find me a most delightful person to have a conversation with.

Just don't call right now, please. I'm watching my new Andre Rieu DVD, New York Memories. The music is turned up and I won't be able to hear you.

Walkabout

It's just about 30 degrees outside. For our metric-speaking friends, that means it's below freezing. There's a light snow falling. The streets are clear, as are most of the sidewalks. It's not sticking...yet...but odds are, by quitting time, it'll start to cling and make the drive home a nightmare.

And I just got back in the office from a nice, long walk.

Odds are, at least one of you (I'd wager my High Priestess, most likely) is shaking your head and wondering how to contact the local mental institution. No worries about that...I know where it is, and yes, it's in walking distance from here.

I didn't need to go out for a walk. There was nothing I needed. Granted, I did have some bills I had to drop in the mail, but we have a mail pickup here in the building. I already had my lunch: One of those frozen entrees, some pudding, and a nice drink of water, so I didn't need to go out for food. I'm not the most health-conscience creature on this planet (please, restrain yourselves, I know that must come as a shock), so it wasn't for the exercise.

Why then did I go for a walk?

Because.

There's something beautiful and magical about walking when it's snowing outside. I feel a certain inner peace, a tranquility that is so rare. I loaded up my little MP3 player (an older model, discontinued, but still one of the best I've ever used) with some tunes, bundled up and went out the door.

Walked about a mile, I figure. I really should consider investing in one of those little pedometers, in only because they're cool gadgets, and I am a gadget geek. It really wasn't that cold out: I didn't need gloves, my face wasn't cold or flustered, and there was no wind to speak of. Great walking conditions, actually.

I've found a certain...peace...over the years from walking. Just me and the pavement under my feet can be very relaxing, giving me a chance to either think about problems or just not think at all. It's rare for my mind to actually stop thinking, and yes, I'm aware there's medication for that, but I have a serious problem with drugs. I've seen the meds they've given My Kid over the years...I think I'll pass, thank you very much.

For about a half-hour, it was just me and the likes of Johnny Cash, Joe Walsh, Queen, Norah Jones, and Alanis Morissette. Every once in awhile, there'd be a slight breeze and snow'd blow in my face, but that wasn't a problem. Brushing away snowflakes is much more favourable than wiping away tears.

It gave me the chance to think, to reflect, to come to a resolution to recent events. I think I understand now what happened, but honestly, I'll never know for sure. Still, I'll be happy with my take on it, and I can move on. After all, that's what we do in life, isn't it? Take one step at a time, one day at a time, and see where the road will lead us?

I know I'll be walking that path, enjoying the moment while wondering what lies ahead.

Maybe I should've stayed home instead...

Saturday. It's usually the quiet day of the week, spent around the house sleeping in, cleaning up, doing laundry, and whatever else needs to be done because there isn't enough time during the week.

Today, however, I decided to treat myself to a nice evening out. Dinner, bookstore, coffee shop...that's what passes for excitement for me.

So I head out, across the river to the Waterworks at La Cappella (one of my favourite little Italian restaurants around here) to start my night out.

Across the bridge, it's a quick hop over route 28 and I'm ready...wait...why isn't this idiot not stopping...

A quick slam on the breaks and lay on the horn.
Some jackass pulls out, right in front of me.

I stop before I hit him, but the guy driving the Jeep behind me (who thankfully wasn't going fast), couldn't stop before he tapped my bumper.

We both pull over. Neither one of us took any damage, we were both all right, and we both agreed that guy was a jackass for pulling out like that.

That was step one.

Get to the restaurant with no further problems, go inside and get a seat. It's always interesting being the only person in the place eating alone, but it gives me a chance to watch the world around me.

Of course, ten minutes past before the waitress shows up to take my order, but once again, it's all good. I can look out the window and see the world pass by.

She brings the soup. Wedding soup. I love wedding soup, but this is more broth than soup, and the broth doesn't taste all that good. Sigh...

That was step two.

I finish dinner, which was really good, all things considered. Baked three cheese farfalle pasta with sausage. Tasty.

Finish dinner and go to stage two: The evening at the coffee shop. Order myself some chai tea from Caribou Coffee, who has the best chai out there, and am ready to sit back and enjoy the rest of the night...

...until I see my horoscope for today.

It says to "take the morning to do what you need to do because your home may be the center of entertaining tonight".

...

Screw step three. I came back home and decided to call it an early evening. I've already tempted fate. I ain't takin' any more chances.

WYSIWYG

Odds are, since you're reading this on a computer, you're familiar with the term "WYSIWYG".

What You See Is What You Get.

It just means that, what you see when you type on the screen when you're writing a document, or making a web page, is what will appear when you're ready to publish or print. I did a quick check of the Wikipedia, and they say there that it became popular on the Flip Wilson show. I remember that show, but I don't remember Geraldine saying "WYSIWYG".

I like to think I'm also WYSIWYG. I'm a fairly straightfoward person. Sure, we all have our hidden secrets and demons in our respective closets, but I have no hidden agendas or plans to take over the world. Considered taking over the world once, but realized it'd be a bitch to manage, and honestly, I've better things to do with my time. Oh, I suppose I'd have my choice of places to manage it from, but with so many people complaining all the time, it just wouldn't be worth it.

I don't want much. I don't need much. There are some things I'd like to have, but I'm also realistic enough to know I'll never have them. I've had dreams. I've had desires, ranging from carnal to the technological and various points in-between. I've had love and lost it, been loved and not wanted it, and realized some things just aren't meant to be.

I make mistakes. I'm only human, so sometimes, I'm blind to them. I like to think I learn from them, but realistically, I don't always succeed in doing so. It gets very frustrating when the people I care for, and supposedly care for me in return, won't talk to me and tell me about the mistakes I've made. It's very frustrating when I can't talk about things, when I get closed out. I don't get angry, I get frustrated, which is far, far worse in the grand scheme of things. Frustration can stop me in my track, rendering me, for the most part, impotent and depressed and then, I just don't give a damn about anything.

Sometimes, I'm blind to the fact that not everyone else in the world is WYSIWYG. I can see both sides to most arguments, but I have trouble accepting, at times, that not everyone is straightforward and upfront. Some folks choose to be...some folks can't help it, closing themselves off to the world because they are afraid of being hurt or just don't know what to say.

If you have a question of me, ask it, and I'll answer. If you need something from me, tell me, and I'll move Heaven and Earth to get it. It's when I get cut out, closed off, shut out...

What You See Is What You Get. That's me. That's all I have to offer. Sometimes, though, I guess that's just not good enough.

Sammiches

This is a pastrami and cheese sammich. Specifically, it's a Primanti Bros' pastrami and cheese sammich. Yes, that's coleslaw and french fries on the sammich.

I'm sharing this for the folks who've never had a Primanti Bros' sammich, so they can see what they're missing.

I'm also sharing this with those who have had their sammiches, but aren't in Pittsburgh to savor their goodness.

And, also, because I'm just evil!

Exhausted

Man, I talk a lot over here, don't I?

I spent the whole day taking down the Christmas decorations and putting the normal stuff back up. Some stuff didn't get back, tho...a couple magnets, some pictures, a snow globe...a few little things.

The house seems emptier now. That happens after the tree and stuff comes down. It's all good, tho. Can't leave the tree up all the time, after all. It wouldn't be the same if it were up all year 'round.

But it took me almost 10 hours to do. Damn, I am tired now...

Last night...talking 'bout last night...

For those who don't know, the title of this installment is a line from a song by the Traveling Wilburys. For some reason, it's stuck in my brain this morning. Too bad the CD's out of print, and I sold off my copy years ago. There was some good music on there...

---(*)---

Here's a bit of free advice, a life-lesson, as it were, to anyone who might be listening.

If you're not used to having dinner late at night, right before you go to bed, don't eat something big and heavy.

I didn't get home until late, and I didn't have dinner until about 9:30, and then went to bed about an hour and a half later.

That pasta is still not lying well. Of course, not having lunch during the day didn't help matters...

---(*)---

So, you ask, why did you eat so late? Well, I took a ride out to see The Kid last night.

She's doing a bit better these days, but there are some new issues we're dealing with.

She's jumpy. Every little sound, every door that closes, every phone than rings, she hears and she has to respond to. They moved her room earlier this week because she heard the (albeit heavy) kitchen door slam shut, and she'd jump and become nervous. Since they've got a fair amount of people in there, it opens and closes a lot.

They moved her around the corner, to another room, but now there's a phone right outside her door. Whenever it rings, she's always saying "will someone answer that phone!"...and not always quietly, if you know what I mean.

When we talked the other night, she said she had some things to tell me, but couldn't. I asked her if there was anyone listening, and she said no, so I asked her to tell me just one thing.

She asked when she was coming home. First time she'd done that since this started five months ago, but we already talked about that.

Last night, I went out to talk to her, to see if she was going to ask again, or if there was something else on her mind. She didn't tell me, but when my brother called, she asked him why she was in the hospital when she didn't feel sick. He called me later and said he'd told her that she was having problems walking and couldn't feel her feet (although she swore she could), and said that she was somewhere where they could help her.

On one hand, this is a good thing, I guess. She's not fully aware (at least, that's what she tells us) that she's in a nursing home. It makes things difficult because we can't explain things logically to her, to try and get her to understand what's going on. I have to choose my words carefully, as if trying to explain nuclear physics (something about which I have no clue) to a four-year old. Or maybe like trying to hold onto Jell-O.

Actually, the Jell-O might be easier to hold onto.

It's frustrating on our part (and believe-you-me, if there's one thing I understand, it's frustration) trying to deal with this. The people that work there, especially a good friend of mine who's there, help out, so we're really not alone in this. Still, as some of you know, it's not easy trying to fathom something like this.

All I can do is focus on the fact that she's someplace where they can take care of her.
I'll deal with the questions whenever they appear.

And now for something completely different

For a change, I'm going to post a positive blog. I know this will be a shock for many of you. Please forgive me. We'll go back to depressing posts soon enough.

I think I've found my reason for living. I think I've found what will be, perhaps, the coolest thing I will ever see and something that, when it comes out, I will...nay...I must buy!

This won't make my life complete, but it'll damn sure make it sound good.

Pardon me while I clean up the drool.

I've had a Radio Shark for awhile, and there's nothing cooler than turning my expensive PC into a basic radio. Actually, it's more than just a receiver: It's like a TiVO for radio.

I've complained (shocker, I know) about the sad state of terrestrial radio in the past, the lack of choices, and the "clear" monopoly that's placed radio in a stranglehold. Satellite radio offers more choices, yeah, but through a subscription service.

HD Radio does offer a choice, through "sub-channels", as it were, of different formats and choices, but the receivers are still expensive. I'm waiting to see when this comes out...it'll not only (hopefully) be a less-expensive option, but to let me record radio? Sweet.

Heaven in a USB port. I love it!

Five months

It was five months ago today that The Kid went into the hospital.
Tonight was the first time she asked if she could come home.

It was a question I'd been waiting for and dreading at the same time. How do I explain it to her that this isn't her home anymore, that where she is now is her home?

I told her that, "you know, you haven't walked in a really long time and there's no way you could make it around the house, up the stairs, and they're gonna take really good care of you out there".

One of the hardest things I've ever had to say.

I know the subject will come up again. I know I'll have to tell her again and it'll be easier.

Tonight, tho...

I'll be fine. No worries about me.

Five months to the day.

The fun just never stops.

I once theorized that the new year can be summed up within its first 45 days.
If, after the first 45 days are done, and things don't look so good, you can pretty much write the year off, go back to bed, and stay there until the next year.

As it stands right now, I'm getting ready to go back to bed.

I've gotta take the car into the shop because (I hope) one of the muffler brackets is either broken or missing. The car makes a wonderful noise whenever I stop now...sounds like an elephant farting, if you ask me.

I called them earlier to see if they have any openings, but got no answer, so I'm just driving out there. Might sit there all day, but I've got nothing better to do.

Sigh...

Oh, and is it any wonder that the 45th day of the year is the ever-hated Valentine's Day? The Universe has a sense of humor, I've found...

Update: It was just the strap. Granted, that was an unexpected bill, but it wasn't a big one, thankfully. Sigh redux.

Random thoughts from a nonlinear mind

Tuesday night.
10:25PM.

Sitting on the couch with the laptop.
Playin' some music.
TV's on, but I'm not that interested in watching it.

Eva Cassidy's singing "It doesn't matter anymore" as I start this blog about, basically, nothing.

I just feel like typing.

I've been on vacation since the 22nd of December, and it feels great. I'm not gonna wanna go back to work come January 8th, I can tell that now. 5:30 in the morning is going to come very, very early that day. I'll have to fight the urge that I've developed to roll over in my big, new and extremely comfy bed to roll over and go back to sleep.

Unless, that is, I hit the Powerball, but that's not likely to happen, since I won't play it anymore.

There's a joke along those lines...

Every day, Marvin would get up and pray, "Dear God, let me hit the lottery", and every day, Marvin wouldn't hit the lottery.
Day in and day out, Marvin would pray, "Dear God, let me hit the lottery", but once again, Marvin wouldn't win.
Finally, one day, Marvin says, "Dear God, let me hit the lottery". The skies parted and God said back to him "Marvin, at least meet me halfway and buy a lottery ticket".

I still think that's a funny joke.

Song's switched to Jackson Browne's Here Comes Those Tears Again.

I do love that song.

The Christmas tree's still up. I'll probably leave the stuff up for another weekend at least. I rather like how it lights up the room. It gives the living room a great, soft glow, even if it does screw with the thermostat, making the room think it's warmer than it really is (the tree's about three to four feet from the sensor...throws off the readings...but since I'm a single guy, it doesn't bother me that much. I'll just throw on a sweater).

Norah Jones is asking me What am I to you right now. A fair question, don't you think?

Sure, I type fast, but I also pause every once in awhile to catch my thoughts, or scratch something, much like I just scratched a bite on the side of my head.

Oh, well. I'll just go back to flipping around on the TV and listening to some more music. Not much more to say, really. I'm just waiting, that's all...waiting and wondering. More of a holding pattern, I'd guess, but that's all right. I'll wait. I think the wait's worth it.

Gives me a chance to breathe.

The Onestar Philosophy

In my life, I've come to a few conclusions about myself...

• I've learned to enjoy the time I have with my friends, because sooner or later, friends grow apart.
• There's no sense in staying mad at anyone or anything. It won't bother them, and all it will do is eat away at your soul.
• I don't screw, lay, poke, fuck, hump, bone, or have sex. I make love.
• You leave me alone, I'll leave you alone.
• I don't believe in working any longer than I have to. When its quitting time, I am out the door. You don't like it, tough.
• Life is too short to rush through. Slow down, take your time, and relax.
• I don't believe in politics. They're a game for the rich and the idle few.
• It may be trite, but I'm a lover, not a fighter.
• I no longer know what the future has in store for me. Everything I once thought would be...no longer is. I prefer to live my life one day at a time, and wait and see what tomorrow will bring.
• Don't tailgate me while I'm driving. Instead of going faster, I'll slow down on your ass.
• There is no such a thing as coincidence. I don't believe in it.
• Also, I don't believe in if anymore. It's an illusion.
• Real women have curves. I've never been attracted to waif-thin supermodels, and probably never will.
• I can live without TV. I can't live without music.
• Try and see things from the other's person point of view. Respect their opinion while maintaining your own.
• As a good friend has taught me, take the time to breathe and be.
• Remember you're not gonna be right all the time. Just never admit you're wrong. ;)
• Never say never. There are just too many possibilities in life...you have no idea what tomorrow will bring.
• It's not the destination that's important, it's the journey.
• I get frustrated. We all do. I've learned to step back and take a breath when that happens, and just try again.
• I'll try just about anything once, but there are some things I will not do.
• I won't drink, I won't smoke, and I won't get involved in a menage a trois. Why piss off two women when I can piss of one just as easily?
• Try not to go to bed angry. It just ruins a perfectly good night's sleep.
• Believe it or not, I try to stay fairly upbeat.
• And last but not least, I like to smile. Especially at the damnedest times...it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Sleeping in tomorrow

This...is my new bed.

I'd been sleeping in the same, small, crampt twin-sized bed for the last...well...let's just say it's been a long, long time since.

I'd wanted to get a new, bigger bed for some time, but My Kid and I had butted heads on the subject. She swore it couldn't fit in my room (this picture should prove otherwise, although I did have to move some furniture around to make it fit), and probably couldn't understand why I wanted one.

I stand six-foot-two, and I am not a small man by any means. I outgrew that bed years ago, but out of respect for her (and her fear of change) I didn't get the new bed.

Now, however, there's been nothing stopping me from getting it.

One of the things I had planned for during my vacation was to get the bed. I ordered it on Wednesday and they delivered it today. The Original Mattress Factory. Great place. Good prices. You can even get a tour of the factory to see them make the beds (as long as the tour doesn't put you to sleep...get it? Bed? Sleep? I'm so funny...).

It's taken a long time to get to this point, but sometimes, we have to wait for these things. Things that we have to work for, wait for, are generally those that are most important in our lives. They've been truly earned, and that's sweeter than anything else.

Rest assured, tomorrow morning, I'll be sleeping in. I like to think I've earned that rest.

Little things

In the last few months, I've had a lot of time to think about myself, who I am, and I've come up with a few answers. I know there's still more about "me" that I've yet to discover, but for the short term, this is what I know...or at the very least, what I think I know:

• I live for the little things in life. I'm at my happiest when I've found some small pleasure in my day.
• I love it quiet. Loud, noisy places do nothing for me (with the exception of baseball games...there's a strange sense of peace I've found at the ballpark).
• I like sunrises and sunsets. There's a tranquility to them that few people understand.
• I'll never be a rich man. I'll be lucky if I can stash a little extra away somewhere. It's all right, tho. Wealth doesn't equate to happiness.
• I'm not that fond of big, expensive toys anymore, I think. Sure, they're nice, but what purpose do they serve? I'm happy with what I have. I don't need a 100 inch TV. There's no room for it in the house. The one I have is good enough for me.
• I'd still rather give than receive.
• I believe in making sure others are taken care first.I would love to share my life with someone, but I'm not looking for someone to control, or someone to control me. I want a partner. I want someone to do things with together, to see the world not only through my eyes, but through theirs as well (although I promise to clean their eyes off before I give them back).
• I've made mistakes in my life...some of them little, some of them huge...and all I can do at this point is apologize. I won't ask for forgiveness. That's something that has to be offered and earned.
  
• There are many, many things that are beyond my control, and that's cool with me. I've no desire to control another person's life or make their decisions. I've done that. It's not as much fun as you might think.
• I'm thick as a brick. Tell me when I do something wrong, or something right for that matter.
• I learn from my mistakes.
• And last, but not least, I believe in balance. In fact, I'm at my best when I'm balancing someone else out. Alone, I'm okay...but when I'm able to provide balance for someone else, things make more sense, somehow. It's a Libra thing, I guess.

This is what I've learned so far, and you know what the best part is? Everyday, I learn something new, and I look forward to finding out all these really cool things about me.

After all, as I've said before...I'm just me. Nothing more and nothing less.

Not necessarily a year in review

2006 is rapidly coming to a close, and for the most part, I couldn't be more thankful.

Why is it that people are ready to offer "year in review" columns when the year isn't over yet? Are we that obsessed with speed, time, and getting things out so early? What's next? The 2008 Year in Review next month?

(Although, if they were to give me winning lottery numbers, I wouldn't complain too much...)

I'm not doing that. I'm not going to sit here and recap what happened to me this year because, with one exception, I'd much rather forget this year. This had to be one of the worst, if not the worst, year of my life.

Best to let it stay in the past, move on, and look forward to the future.

I'm also not going to try and review what happened in the world this year, because, and forgive me for this, I was too busy taking care of my own life to really give a shit. Politicans did what they usually do, celebrities were obsessed with keeping their name in the limelight, people were born and people died. Same as last year, same as this year, same as the next.

I've been more concerned about my friends, those I care for, those I've lost and found. I'll miss and mourn those I've lost, and I'll carry their memory with me. For those I've found, I just look forward to what the future brings, the hopes and promises of a new day.

So let's let 2006 pass into the night as it should, with quiet respect and reverence. It's part of history now, mostly. Let's look toward tomorrow...together.

Quiet time

Saturday night. 11:30 PM.
My living room.
Nothing on but the Christmas lights and the glow of the laptop.

Listening to "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones. A gift from a dear friend.

Went out and saw My Kid today. She looked and sounded pretty good. Voice was strong, she was sharp and alert. It was a good day.

We talked...although I did most of the talking. She did joke around a little and talk some. She's doing pretty good, but she's nowhere near where she once was.

Last night, I was telling a buddy of mine about her, and how I wanted to bring her home for Christmas.

He put things into perspective for me. He said "You want to bring her to your home for Christmas. She's already in her home."

I have to admit it, but he's right. I have to stop thinking of this as her home as well. It's my home now, as cruel as that sounds. It hurts to admit that. It hurts to think that this isn't her home any longer. It's mine.

What I've said before stays the same. Her room will not change. I'll leave it exactly as is (except for the dust...I'll change it every now and then). The rest of the house? I'll leave some things as is, change some others.

But it's mine...and this is my time.

You can't always get what you want, but you'll get what you need.

I still need to find out who I am. I still need to just be me. I still need to be.

I hope I find me someday.

If only I had a witty title...

I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything here, and while there are some things I could talk about, right now isn't the best time. Thoughts are jumbled in my mind...things aren't entirely clear and focused, and I still have a lot of thinking to do.

When I can talk about it...make that...when I feel more comfortable talking about it, I will.

I did put up the Christmas tree yesterday. It's a beauty, but it's also somewhat sad. First time I did it entirely on my own. It just felt...strange...that's all.

Still have to put the villages up and the train as well. Gonna do that shortly.

Oh, and I believe I've fried the PCI bus on my main computer's motherboard. I've no sound, none of the add-in USB devices seem to work, and they're now showing up in the control panel. Think I know how I did it too. I zapped the USB hub on my desk with a electrical surge, and I think it traveled down to fry the bus. Wouldn't be the first time I've seen that happen, it's just the first time its happened to me.

Gotta be careful, this time of year. Static electricity can build up in houses, and electronics are incredibly sensitive. I'm usually more careful about that (I know what to do and what the consequences are), but this was just an accident, and shit happens.

Back to my thoughts, I guess...

Argh

My

Back


Itches.




And I don't see the doctor until Friday.

Would someone come over here and gently scratch my back, please?

"Back" in business

For the record, I had a cyst removed from my back today.

It was a big sucker, too. I'd say it was roughly an inch to an inch and a half across and deep.

But no worries. I'm doing just fine. No pain, no problems.

:)

Postscript:

So I also went to get my hair cut this morning. My barber also trimmed my eyebrows, but it looks like he slipped and cut a wee bit too much off the one above the left eye.
I didn't notice that until a wee bit ago.

So I had to try and even it out on the other side.

As you can see...it didn't help. SIGH...

Revelations

It was today when it hit me...the house is really mine now.

I was downstairs in the basement. Just replaced the roll of paper towels I keep down there, and went to throw the empty one away when it hit me.

I turned and looked across the floor, as if I was outside my own body, or looking through the world through new eyes. "This really is my house now", I said aloud.

I just stood there for a moment, letting that reality sink in. I always knew the place would be mine, someday. I just honestly thought it'd be after My Kid's death. Never while she was still alive in a nursing home.

Even though I received the paperwork, confirming the sale weeks ago...it was so...surreal.

I'd bought new placemats for the dining room table today, and new throw rugs for the kitchen. The old, vinyl placemats were getting beyond the point of cleaning, and the rugs? Forget it. There were a lost cause.

Almost dinner time. I'm going to go heat up some leftover pasta that I'd made last night. Quite good, actually. Campanelle pasta with chopped sirloin and sweet sausage. Figured I'd make enough for a couple nights, and I was right.

It really is my home now. That concept is still trying to settle in.

One of many unhappy firsts

It looks like this will be the first Thanksgiving that Mum won't be able to be there.

We've talked about it, and while there's no firm decision yet, all signs are pointing to her not being able to join the family. Between a very long drive both directions, her uncertain mental state, and how she'd handle the whole experience, we're thinking it might be best if we didn't bring her.

The thought of it hurts beyond words.

But as I've always done, I try and do what's best for her, as unpleasant as it might be.

I'm going to suggest we go over and visit as a family sometime that day. Even if we can spend a little time with her, even if she's not aware of what day it is, she will still feel part of the family.

Remember...

I cannot take credit for the following. It appeared years ago...decades ago, actually...in my local newspaper.

My brother cut it out and gave it to me. It's been in my wallet ever since.

It has special meaning to me. I just want to share it with you.

Please continue to work hard. Achieving success is not easy, but nothing worth having is.

Please don't be afraid of failing or making mistakes. I have made them, some in raising you. Few of life's mistakes are permanent. Most are just hard learning experiences. Learn from your mistakes.

Please make the choices that you will confront in life wisely. Life is fragile, not to be feared, but to be respected. Drink from the river of life, but drink slowly and carefully. It is one river that will never dry up, but it can drown those who do not respect its power.

Please wear your success with the same humility with which you wear your failures. You will experience both of these in your life. Let each of them lend to your growth as a person.

Please have the courage to stand up for your convictions, to speak up against injustice, to lend a hand to someone not as fortunate as yourself. To give of oneself is to truly give.

Please give to others in life the same respect and honesty that you desire from them.

Please be happy in your life. Happiness is not a constant state. Welcome her when she comes like a budding plant welcomes a spring shower. Know that some days will be better than others and that the sad times help us to appreciate the glad times.

Above all, please always know that I am here for you when you need me, my counsel is given to you from the depths of my heart and soul. Always well intended. Please know that I love you.

-Author Unknown

Our story thus far...

Okay, so when last we left this soap opera we call "life", I said that the nursing home called me saying My Kid has aspirated.

They gave us a couple options. The first was a feeding tube, which I said "no" to. I consider that a life support device, and that's something The Kid told me, years ago, in no uncertain terms, she did not want. It was out.

Then they said that they recommend her to be a candidate for Hospice care. For those who are unaware, hospice is more for terminally ill candidates to keep them comfortable in their final days. The problem is, medical insurance will only pay for either a nursing home stay or for hospice care, not for both. If we went the hospice route, that would've meant we'd have to fund the nursing home bill, and there's no way we could afford that.

Still, Sunday, we talked to the hospice folks, and even let their nurse check her out. She said that The Kid's lungs sounded clear, sounded good, and she wasn't in any pain or suffering. In essence, she said, she's not a candidate for hospice at this time.

We opted not to take hospice.

Monday, I talked to the speech therapist and she said that since we declined their recommendations, they asked if I would sign a waiver releasing them from any responsibility, and go ahead and feed The Kid. (Remember, this was Monday. She hadn't had any solid food since THURSDAY, existing only on IVs.)

I signed off on it that afternoon. There was a delay in the doctor treating My Kid signing it, so that night was a little rough on her. She still was only on IV.

Tuesday, the doc signed off, and she was given solid food. I should note here that, back on Thursday, the doctor also ordered her anti-depressants "gently lowered", since there was a chance that they were causing her to be lethargic, and that might've caused the problem with her being unable to eat in the first place.

Tuesday, she was given semi-solid food. More like a paste, I'd say, and she ate the whole thing for breakfast. She ate all her lunch.

I spoke to her Tuesday night, and it was amazing. It was the first real conversation we'd had in six months, almost. She was clear, she understood what was going on, she asked what it was like outside, she said she was warm...

She spoke to my brother for almost 25 minutes. They talked about everything, and he didn't have to coax a conversation out of her. He said it was amazing. Everyone who spoke to her said it was amazing as well.

Mind you, for every bit of good, there's always a bit of bad. Seems they might've over-lowered the medication. She's gone a bit more manic today, but she's still eating, she's still moving around. She's also taken to cursing and being bitchy, but she's still moving. ;)

I understand that there's time involved in properly dispensing anti-depressants, that it can take some time to determine the proper level. That's all right. At least she's still alive, unlike three days ago, when they were ready to write her off for dead, almost.

It surely is never a dull moment...

Holding pattern.

The previous blog "Aspirated" has been deleted pending further information.

I might be getting mad pretty soon...

Faith God Hope Love Trust

Originally posted over at my old DeviantArt page. Reposted here since this is more of a blog thing...




For those of you who aren't aware, and even for those of you who are, my mother has had more than her share of problems as of late. She's been diagnosed with depression and cognitive disorders, as well as dementia and possible onset of Altzheimer's.

The last year of her life, and to a certain extent mine, has been extremely difficult. For three months, she was in a psychiatric hospital and only within the last week been transferred to a nursing home/rehabilitation centre. She's looking at long-term nursing care, where she can get 24/7 care and support.

She's not going to be able to come home again.

Just as background, my mother and I have always been very close. My father died when I was 11, so for the longest time, it'd be me and her. My brothers, all older, had for the most part moved out by the time I came along, settling into lives of their own. They and I both knew that I'd be the one to take care of her as she got older, and that was something I willingly accepted and enjoyed.

Over the last year, she'd become more anxious, more nervous, hearing and seeing things that weren't there, sleepless, restless...

I did everything I could for her, but it finally reached a point, three months ago, when I knew I did all I could. We made arrangement with a social worker she'd been seeing, and she admitted herself to the hospital.

Over the last couple months, I'd seen a strong woman fall apart. Someone once sure of herself disappear and this new person appear.

Every day, I'd get a phone call and there'd be some new development. Blood clots near her lungs. Falls, where she'd cut herself and they'd have to watch her because she's on blood thinners. I got to the point where I'd just wake up in the morning and wonder what would happen next, and be in fear of that inevitable phone call telling me just what that was...

Today, I got a call from the nursing home. A piece of food has entered her lungs. She's aspirated. She's forgeting how to chew her food and they're either going to have to alter her diet or, Heavens forbid as a last result, they might have to put a feeding tube in her.

When I got that phone call this morning, my brain just shut down. After making the obligatory phone calls to let my brothers know, and after talking with them for a few minutes, my brain shut down. I needed to just walk.

I always liked walking. It's very relaxing, just me, my feet, the pavement, the sounds of the world around me. When it's right, it's one of the few times I can stop thinking, stop worrying, stop wondering if I'm doing the right thing or if I've said the right thing or what's going to happen next and I can just BE. It's so rare for me to just BE. I savor those moments.

While out walking, I was crossing a bridge, and someone had scribbled these words on the railing.

Faith God Hope Love Trust

Stopping there, I leaned on that railing on those words. I'd seen them before, mind you. Such simple concepts. If you don't believe in God, you can substitute Allah, The Universe, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, whatever you wish. It's the concept of something greater than all of us, and for me, the word God works just fine. I'm not going to debate religion with anyone. My beliefs are my own, and I'm not interested in sharing them right now. Just accept these words and leave it at that.

Faith God Hope Love Trust

At some point, I know someone's gonna come along and clean those words, those powerful concepts, away. I took my crappy cell phone, used the even crappier camera and did my best to catch those words, because I believe that's something that must be shared.

So I share them with you.

Faith God Hope Love Trust

Don't bother with comments. They're disabled. Don't bother to note me about this. The thoughts and prayers are appreciated, but either you've gone through something like this before or you'll go through it yourself some day. If it's the former, you understand what I'm going through and that's good enough for me. If the latter, understand that when your time comes, know my thoughts and prayers are with you. Just reflect on this, and hopefully it will help you too.

Faith God Hope Love Trust

Settling in.

Well, The Kid is out of the hospital. She's in a rehabilitation/nursing home for some physical therapy. After three months of inactivity, she's gonna need a lot of help to get back some of her strength. I don't know how much of her mind she'll be able to get back, but right now, she's in a place where they can watch her and take care of her.

It's always interesting when she doesn't remember me. Tonight, when I asked her who I was, she said I was one of "her son's friends".

Oh, that's always fun.

Tomorrow night is Hallowe'en. Originally, I wasn't going to give any candy out, but I decided to go ahead, stop at the store, and pick up some stuff for the kiddies.

The social worker there asked The Kid what she'd like to do when she's ready to get out of there. She said she wants to go home. I'm sorry, and forgive me if this sounds cruel, but that's not an option anymore. She needs more attention that she can get here, and I've found that I actually enjoy having a life.

I've got plans for the future. I've things I want to do.

I love her and I always will, but it's time to move on.

Frustration

Been awhile since I've made any updates of worth, it seems.
Been awhile since I've had anything to say, mostly.

Maybe I can clear my thoughts here and play "catch-up".

I've been trying to find a nursing home for The Kid, but it's been difficult. I've tried six places so far, and they've all had a waiting list, except for the one that wanted two year's cash advance. Given that we're just looking for a place to accept her on her pension, her social security and medical assistance, there's no way I can afford that.

After talking to some folks who are more "in the know" about this kind of stuff, they tell me it's amazing that so many places have passed on her, since patients on medical assistance are highly sought after, it seems. The place I wanted her to go to has a waiting list of 10 people ahead of her.

I've a friend whose daughter works in the nursing home field, and she tells me there's an opening where she works. We put the referral in for that place today. I hope she gets in there, because the hospital is pressuring me to find a place as soon as possible. I figure that her insurance is running out, and the hospital is pushing me to find a place before it's totally out.

I still haven't told her that she's not going to be coming home. Every once in awhile, she makes the inferrence that she wants to come home, and I avoid it to the best of my abilities, but it's not easy. After years of perfecting her ability to guilt (four sons can do that to someone), she can still find the right button to push on occasion.

It hurts sometimes. That's why I had to unplug for a couple days, step away from my "online life" and unplug. Listen to some music. Catch up on my reading. Go to bed a little earlier. Be nice if I could sleep in, but that's not gonna happen until the weekend.

I need to focus a little more on taking care of the house. I found some bugs down in the basement that had come up from the drain in the bottom of the floor. No idea how long they've been there: The dead bodies were stuck to the underside of a rug covering the drain. I don't spend nearly enough time cleaning like I should, I know. It's not easy, as you, gentle reader, will attest. Working all day, running around during and after work, and then trying to come home and clean? By the time I get in the house, usually between 7 and 8, I just want to crash.

Spent tonight relaxing on the couch, more listening than watching Sarah McLachlan's Afterglow Live DVD. Great concert, highly recommended, and it's a bargain, if you can find the CD/DVD combo. One of my favourite discs, really.

Sarah's singing "Fallen" right now. Her voice is so relaxing, so comforting.

I had a cup of Chai tonight. Winter's come a little early, with the temperature at night hovering above the freezing point. Actually saw some snow flurries the other day. Sure, it was great to see the snow, but I am so not looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.

My nephew had his Confirmation (Catholic) last week. It was the first "family" event that Mum wasn't present for. My brother and I both commented on that, and how...strange...it was. First of many, I'd guess.

Guess that's why I'm in a funk. I can feel a bit of depression starting to take hold, at the back of my mind. The little things I live for, look forward to, don't hold the charms like they used to, like they should. This will pass. I know it will. It's getting to that point that will take some doing.

Gee, I wrote more than I intended to write. Maybe I needed to get this off my chest, put these thoughts down in print, as it were.

If I have anything else to say, I'll say it some other time. Right now, I'm going to go back and listen to some more music, and try to relax. As a friend of mine would no doubt say, I'll just sit back and breathe.

And deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

Today...

...it's raining.

But my car window has been fixed.

Thank goodness.

...that's all...

Life or something like it

Bunch'a quickie updates, since I've nothing important to say:

• My car still has no rear passenger window. There's a plastic bag covering it. I'd hoped I could get it fixed before the start of the work week, but the body shop I went to for the estimate hasn't gotten back to me yet. They'll open Monday at 7:30 AM. I'll call 'em at 7:31.
• I spent today cleaning the house, since it'd been a good two-and-a-half weeks since the last really good cleaning. Oh, I've dusted here and sprayed there, and I took a weekend in Niagara Falls, but the house needed a good cleaning. A good six hours of housework today. It was worth it.
• Speaking of Niagara Falls, I'm glad I went up there last weekend. Two feet of snow! I-90 closed for 105 miles! I'd have been stuck in the middle of that had I gone this weekend. I read that they had to use snowmobilers to get food and water to stranded motorists. Of course, that would've been more akin to my luck.
• Last week...the trees were beautiful up there. So many gorgeous colors, streaming past at 80 miles per hour...
• Tomorrow, I'm taking down the front porch awnings. That's a sure sign of the coming Winter...

That's all. Nothing much else to add. If I think of something else, I'll write about it later.

Oh, but I can at least share a picture with you:

Never rains but it pours...

This is what I had to look forward to when I got to my car this afternoon.

Someone broke out the back window of my car.

I guess they wanted the car stereo...or maybe steal it and take it for a joy ride. I'll probably never know.

The car alarm went off, I guess, and it scared whomever off, but the damage had already been done.

Of course, they had to pick on a 10-year old Saturn, and not the Lexus next to me. That Lexus has been sitting there since the beginning of the term, over a month now, and no one's touched it. It could've been gone and no one would be the wiser for the next month or two. So instead of going after some spoiled college kid freeloading in the garage, they go after me, the guy's who's forking out damn near $100 a month to park.

I shouldn't be surprised by this. I shouldn't be surprised that this happened. I had a good weekend last week, when I was up in Niagara Falls. There has to be a balance to life, I believe, so since I had a good weekend, I'm paying for it now with this. Karma, I guess.

So tomorrow, instead of going to work, I'm going out to the body shop and get an estimate and wait for the insurance adjuster to call me to fill out the report. And naturally, tonight's gonna be one of the coldest nights of the year, with rain and a chance of snow.

I was ready to go buy a new bed. I bought myself a new little stereo. Because I went and spent that money, I now have an unexpected expense.

Karma.

It's amazing, that with everything else going on, I haven't broken down and cried...yet.
That might change.

Details.

It's rare for me to discuss my DeviantArt page here, but I just created a new "avatar", and wanted to show you the details you're likely to miss in a 50x50 icon.




I rather like it, so I just felt like sharing.

blather blather blather

I know it's been awhile since I've written anything of any importance. It's not that I haven't had things to say...it's more that I've not been able to find the way to say them.

Feelings, dreams...more like nightmares...and their ilk. How does one express them in words when the words just don't make sense to the writer?

This week will be a little weird for me. I'll apologize in advance if I seem more out of it than usual.

It's well known that I don't like my birthday. It's gonna be even more difficult this year.

Sigh.

I'll write more when I can find the words. Promise.

For now...I'll talk to ya later.

For lack of a better word...

Since I had nothing better to say, I figured I'd just post a picture.
Hope you folks don't mind.

Took this at work. I had a minute.
Just playin' with my camera...

Just talkin'...

Yeah, I know. It's been awhile since I've posted anything.

I've been better, but I'm hanging in there. How about you?

That's interesting. I didn't know they could do that with a grapefruit and an monkey.

Me? Oh, I just stopped in my office to check my mail. Yeah, I've no DSL at home. Since I've been switching everything over to my name, there've been a couple...bumps...in the road.

Have I mentioned how much I hate that phone company that starts with a "V"?

I don't wanna put that in print. Slander, liable, and the whatnot. Although I don't think it matters, really. They've probably heard all the bad things I've said about them to the tech guys with my ISP, so they've got it recorded there. Funny thing is, most of the tech guys agree with me, so it's nice to know I'm not alone.

How's Mum, you ask? It's different every time I go see her. Some days I'll find a quiet, crying, somber woman who spends most of the time sleeping. Then there's nights when I'll find some manic person in my mother's skin who keeps screaming for WATER!

It makes life that much more interesting, lemme tell you.

I know we talked about this before, but it's just a shame that people can't grow old gracefully, with a certain dignity. Sure, some of them can, and have, but then there's the others...society's left them behind because they can't keep up with whatever the catchphrase of the day is. We shun our elderly. We put them away and forget about them. We're so obsessed with youth and staying young that we don't remember...this will catch up with us too, someday.

Yes, I know, I'm looking for a home for her and I understand the irony of my previous statement. There's a difference. I was there for her until I realized I needed help. I'd still be there with her, she'd still be home, y'know, if I thought I could do it. But, and I hate myself sometimes for admitting this, because it seems like a form of...weakness...I guess...but I couldn't do it anymore. I tried. God knows I tried.

You don't have to tell me I needn't feel that way. Most of the time, I don't. It's just that little voice pops into the back of my head...you know the one...that little bit of insecurity we all have...he tells me that I should have done more, I should have been stronger, I gave up too easily.

I mentally slap him upside the head, call Mum, have her scream WATER in my ear five or six times and that shuts him up. I KNOW I did all I could. It's wasn't a sign of weakness. It was a sign of strength and maturity and I did the right thing.

When this is all over, when she's somewhere settled in where professionals can watch her 24/7, then I'm taking a vacation. I don't think the universe will begrudge me that, do you?

Yeah, right. It will. I'll pay for it later...but I'll take the vacation anyway.

Hey, it was great talking to you again. Wanna go to lunch sometime? Cool! You know how to reach me...drop me a line. I'm gonna swing by Starbucks right now, get something to drink, and then head home. Back to work tomorrow, and all that.

Good seeing you again. Don't be such a stranger. Stay in touch.

And take care of yourself.
I mean that.

C-ya.

The Ledger

Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind...

I can remember, growing up, watching my mother whenever she went to pay the bills. She had this black ledger she always kept track of everything...and I mean everything...in. Bills. Important dates. Events. You name it, it was in that ledger.

Seems as long as she was running the house (and we're talking a long time here, folks) she'd been keeping track of the bills in those ledgers. There'd been many over the years...seems she could keep roughly a decade's worth of history in each one.

Over the past couple weeks, I've had to go through some of her old papers, old bills, looking for records. It's amazing, the things she's kept over the years. I've found bills from 1960...46 years old...stored in her room.

And some of those ledgers that I've looked through...some of the things she's recorded over the years...amazing. She's got an entry from 1962 for $2 from lunch she had at Eat 'N Park one day. To you and I, these things, might seem trivial. To her, it was noteworthy, not only because it was a lunch out, but because it was money spent from the coffers that needed to be recorded.

A few months ago, because of failing eyesight, she had me start recording the bills in the ledger. She'd still write notes for special events that might've happened...a baseball game we went to, Mother's Day gifts, things like that.

Rather ironic...and rather fittingly...I've started entering the bills in the last page of this ledger.

She started this current book in Septemer, 1996. I took a look through it tonight, remembering things I'd forgotten and some I only wish I could forget. A vacation here. A concert there. Two Towers that fell. Births, deaths and everything in between.

She'd recorded them all.

Now it's my turn.

It's my turn to keep track of things.
It's my turn to note the bills.
It's my turn to record history.

Yesterday, when I went shopping, I picked up the next ledger, the next book to record the monthly bills and important events. The next in a chain that stretches across five decades at the very least. For as much of a geek that I may be, for as much as I love my electronics and computers and all the gadgets I can get my hands on, the bills will be kept in those ledgers.

It's just the right thing to do.

Labor Day Weekend

I'm taking a four-day weekend.

Mind you, that doesn't mean I'm relaxing, per se.

Friday was trips to a nursing home, a funeral home, a human resources department and a credit union.
Saturday was spent cleaning the house and helping a buddy try to get a laptop working on his wireless network (which has locked him out, for some reason).
Sunday (today) will be spent grocery shopping, paying bills, making some sense of paperwork spread across the dining room table and maybe catching a quick nap while the baseball game is on television.
And every day, of course, has included visits to see The Kid.

So what about tomorrow? What should I do on my Day Off? What should Labor Day hold for me?

I've thought about taking in a movie. Clerks 2 looks interesting, but I might just wait for that to come on DVD.
The Pirates are out of town, so a ballgame is out of the question. (Security frowns on people going into the ballpark when there's no game playing.)
I went to Kennywood (big amusement park in the area) last week to blow off some steam, so that's done.
I'd thought about taking a long drive, but the state police will likely be out in force and the last thing I want is to get a present from them.

Odds are, I'll stay up late tonight, sleep in tomorrow and blow the day off surfin' the web. Or I might go to the mall where they'll be holding the local portion of the Jerry Lewis telethon and watch for a bit.

I've slept in the last three days. The weather has been so nice and comfortable...perfect sleeping weather. I didn't get up yesterday until 9:30.

Tuesday morning is gonna be SOOO hard when 6 in the morning rolls around.

Okay, I'm done rambling.

If I haven't said it recently...

Thank you.

Thank you for being there to listen to me.
Thank you for giving me a chance to vent.
Thank you for the understanding and the caring.

With everything that has been going on in my life.
With everything that's happened, all the changes.
With everything else that I'm trying to come to terms with.

There are those I thought I could count on.
I cannot. That hurts me more than anything else I've been through.

I hope they can find some peace in these troubles times.
I hope they find the strength to come to terms with the truth.
I hope they understand.

And yet, through it all, there were friends who have stood by my side.
Strangers and people whom I have never met who have offered me more support than I ever expected.
More support...more caring...more love than I can get from my own flesh and blood.

This isn't easy.
It will get worse.
Challenges await me that I haven't even begun to see or understand.

And all I can do is take things day by day.
And all I can do is hope I can find the strength I'll need.

Until then, I'll say it again.

Thank you.

A domesticated male

More tales of the new bachelor...

Yes. I will admit. Over the years, I've abused the housekeeping abilites of My Kid. She was more than willing to clean the house, and I was more than willing to let her. Mind you, I did learn how to just about everything pertaining to housework...cleaning, laundry, washing windows, running the vacuum, all that stuff...and I even did them myself for several years before The Kid earned Forced Retirement.

However, there was one thing that I never did, one ability that eluded me: Scrubbing the Kitchen and Bathroom floor.

When I was but a wee child, I watched Mum do it: She'd get on her hands and knees and scrubbed the floor...really scrubbed...but as the years went on and age crept in, she resorted to mopping it down.

So, today, while cleaning the house, I realized that it was now my turn.

Armed with a bucket, a mop and a bottle of Mr. Clean, I stood there, looking at the kitchen floor...

...and I can feel the cringe of every woman, wife and mother who reads this...

...I wondered, what the Hell do I do now.

Being an enlightened male, I do know how to RTFM: Read The F***ing Manual. So I read the directions on the back of the bottle, or at the very least, the first line: Add 1/4 cup of blue stuff to a half-gallon, or bucket, or water.

Simple enough. I did it.

I then grabbed the mop...the manual mop...and dunked it in the stuff a couple times.

Yes, it's a manual mop, and yes, I did squeeze the excessive water out with my bare hands.

I then mopped down the floor. I'd seen pirate movies where they swab the deck, so I knew pretty much what to do: Mop, dunk, squeeze, repeat until done.

So I did it. Looked pretty good, but the floor was really wet.

This is the part that confused me.

What do I do? Let it air dry? Get on my *gasp* hands and knees and dry it? Run away in panic? Find a woman who knows what the heck she's doing and get her?

Before you ask, I'll tell ya. I got one of my old scrub towels out of the basement and dried the floor off. That was probably the wrong option, but it was a multiple choice problem, and I don't always do well on those.

Still...after drying it off and brooming some of the left-over crumbs and stuff out the door, it don't look all that bad.

At least to A Dumb Guy. Odds are, I'd get a woman in here and get dirty looks because I missed a spot or didn't properly rinse or leave a chocolate on the pillow and tip the maid.

But whaddya expect? I'm new at this. I'm learning...

What is this "me time" I seem to have found?

One of the most amazing things I've found, in the midst of everything that's been going on in my life, is that all of a sudden, I have this time to myself that I haven't had before.

I've spent my life up until now being the caretaker. After work, I've come home, picked up The Kid, took her out to dinner, and if there was any shopping to be done, I'd do that (leaving her either in the car if the weather was decent, or at some bench right inside the store, since she couldn't walk around that well), and then come home. The rest of the evening was spent either pecking away at the computer or flopped on the couch watching the TV.

Nowadays, after work, I go down and visit The Kid, and spend an hour or two with her until her dinner arrives. I make sure she's got something halfway edible to eat (volumes could be written about hospital food and the paper they're printed on would taste better), and then...amazingly enough...the rest of the evening is mine to do what I please.

This is a new experience for me.

In the past couple weeks, I've gone out to dinner most of the time, for sure, but I've also skipped dinner one night. Completely skipped it! I've gone to a baseball game (and will hopefully go to another one soon), I stopped at the grocery store and picked up the ingredients for a nice, simple meal. I've picked up a Battleship and had enough for dinner that night AND lunch the next day.

One night, a week or so ago, my feet were killing me. I knew I needed to soak 'em, but I was out of Epsom Salts. In the past, The Kid would throw a hissy fit if I needed to run out to the store at night, but there was no one here to make such a fuss. I hopped in the car, drove over to K-Mart, bought some Epsom Salts and a new tub to soak my feet in. In the past week or so, I've soaked 'em just about every night: Walking 2 to 4 miles each day can wear on the feet, after all.

I know, gentle reader, that you're reading this and you're saying to yourself, "so what?". To you, these things are nothing...it's part of everyday life. To me, however, it's the little things that I've never had the chance to do because of my role as caretaker to someone who's become so frightened of the world outside her door that she locked herself away...and took me with her, after a fashion.

Don't harbor any ill will to her, please. I don't. I stood by her and did these things by my own will, by my own choice. Nowadays, she's somewhere where maybe...just maybe...they can help her with problems that I can no longer help her with, even though I know she longs to come back here to her home and prison. It's just that the safety she found here once no longer exists. What I do, I do for her own good.

As for me? Unlike my Kid, I won't lock myself into this prison once the work day is done. I'll get home...eventutally.

Promises, Promises

I was raised to believe that if you give your word, you don't go back on it.
My word is my bond. My honor depends on it. I rarely give my word on something, but when I do, it's a guarantee that I will keep it. I will not go back on it, and for my life, I have always kept my word whenever I've given it.

That is, until today.

I gave someone my word years ago about something.
Now, I must go back on my word.

This won't be easy.

Please forgive the crypic nature of this blog. Right now, I don't want to go any further. Some of you might know what I'm talking about, most of you probably won't.

Doesn't matter. As I said, forgive the cryptic nature. When I can, I will explain myself.

Ahhh.....

The kid's still in the hospital. She'll probably be there through the weekend, at the least.
Trying to get the infection cleared is the first priority.

Me? Let's see...

I'm sitting on the couch soaking my feet in hot water and Epsom Salts. I'm sipping from a glass of cranberry and black cherry juice, as close as these lips get to wine. Queen's Live at Wembley is playing on the TV. Freddy Mercury was the best, pure and simple.

Updating this blog on the laptop and then I'm gonna close 'er down.

See? I do know how to relax, my dears. No worries about me. I can take care of myself.

And now, a musical interlude.

We interrupt your usual blog with a plug:

WJAS

The above link is to one of the few terrestial radio stations I'll actually listen to. Given my love of music, you'd like that I'd have dozens of stations to choose from, sampling the sounds from various genres and formats.

However, most traditional radio stations, now that they're all owned by the same "Clear" company for the most part, play the same old songs.

I remember visiting New Orleans a few years back, excited that I was visiting one of the true homes of Jazz in the US, only to find pretty much the same crap I hear back home. It wasn't until I found a cool college station, WWOZ, that I actually heard traditional, and damn good, Jazz.

But back to the topic at hand. 1320 WJAS.

It's the station I have on first thing in the morning when I get up. It's one of the few I listen to in the car (although most of the time I've got my own CDs spinning). And now, they're back on the Internet, after legal battles kept them offline for years.

If you like traditional artists like Sinatra, Dean Martin, Perry Como, you'll like this station.
If you like some of the newer artists like Michael Buble and Jane Monheit, you'll like this station.
If you like professional announcers that don't believe they have to insult the audience to entertain, you'll like this station.

Give it a listen sometime, if you're interested. It is based in Pittsburgh, so you'll get local news, sports, traffic and weather, but you'll also get some good music.

Who knows? We might be listening to it at the same time...

A time for...me

Tonight was just for me.

This morning, I did sleep in. Was rather nice, being able to look at the clock at 6:30 and mentalling it to fsck off. By the time 9-ish came around, I decided I wanted to get up.

Just me. No one else. Didn't have to worry about anyone else being up or needing something or whatever.

Got up, did the usual bathroom stuff, the shower thing and all that, and then cleaned the bathroom after I finished. Yes, I was butt naked when I cleaned the bathroom, but no, there are no photos of that. Last thing I want to do is break the camera lens.

Went downstairs, fed the neighborhood birds and squirrels, walked over to get a newspaper, came back home, had a bowl of cereal, and started the laundry. No pressures, no deadlines, no worries.

Got out the heavy laptop and surfed for awhile. Seems I'm causing trouble over at DA again...there are a bunch of comments over there waiting for me. I answered some of them, and some of them...I'll deal with later. Nothing against them, I just decided to walk away from it for a bit.

Cleaned the house (yes, by this point, I was dressed, perverts) top to bottom. Dusted. Polished. Ran the sweeper and did my best to clean some stains off of the rug. Most of them are gone, from the looks of it, but it's dark as I type this and I'm not looking that closely.

Sure, I went down to visit the kid. She's still kinda confused, kinda drowsy, and unhappy to be there. She didn't even bother to get dressed today. I stayed for a couple hours, and my oldest brother and his wife were there for awhile. It was a good visit...she begged me not to leave, but sometimes ya gotta teach tough love, so she's gotta get used to some things.

Then...it was time for me.

I went to a baseball game. Just me. By myself. It's been awhile since I've been able to do this, and it felt nice. No pressures, no worries, just me. Got a seat on the first base line, five rows back. Great seat. Gorgeous view. Perfect night. Not too hot, not cold in the least. Pleasant.

The Pirates won. 3-2. Can't ask for more than that.

Left there, took a leisurly drive home. Stopped at Starbucks on the way. Got a vanilla creme. Sitting here at home and sipping it now.

Today was for me. I haven't had one of these in a long time. It felt...nice.

Sleep is a beautiful thing

If you haven't heard by now, My Kid...my mother...has been admitted to a hospital and will probably there for awhile.

For the most part, I've understood that this was the only logical option. I've really only had one moment of indecision, one moment of wondering if I was doing the right thing, one moment of regret.

It didn't last too long. It only too a phone call to her when she was rather nasty (something she didn't mean and really couldn't help) to remind me I was doing the right thing.

After talking with some members of the family, they tell me that there's a history of dementia in the family. Mind you, most members of her family died well before their 80's, so we have no real way of verifying what exactly is wrong.

All I know is that she's somewhere where they can help her, 'cause I sure as heck did all I could.

Oh, and for those of you who've asked about my friend...we have no real update. There's a chance the cancer might've spread to the bone, but without a baseline MRI, it's impossible to tell. She's putting on a brave front, tho. It's all just a matter of waiting and seeing what will happen.

Now excuse me 'cause I'm gonna go take a nap.

Ten Years After

Boy, this is weird.

It's been a very long time since I've put fingers to keys.  I don't blog any more, hardly ever write.  I've moved from putting words to paper (or screen, as it were) and focus more on photography for self-expression, for a creative outlet.

Yet, here I am.  Ten Years After. 

The date on this entry says 2006, but it's not.  In August of 2006, my life was a wreck.  I was, at this point, existing on around 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night.  I was living back in my old home in Swissvale, taking care of my mother, who was waking me up in the middle of the night, claiming she had to go outside or generally acting up.

See, in the course of the last nine months, at the time, she'd begun to change.  Her baby sister died the previous year, and she wasn't taking it well.  Her personality was...off.  I'd attributed it to one of the many UTI's she'd had, but her doctor gave her a (relative) clean bill of health.  After every test came back clean, he said her problems might not be physical, but rather, mental.

I'd made an appointment with a geriatric psychologist she'd been to, ironically, a decade before, and they prescribed anti-depressants for her.  She'd started to take them, but they told me it would take two weeks for me to see any effect.  We never made it that far.

I don't think I've put the following down in words.  I've told people, but never wrote about it.

Middle of the night on August 7th, My Kid (as I've always referred to her) came into my room and was acting worse than ever.  She was hyper, rambling.  I tried to calm her down, but she was borderline hysterical.  She insisted on going to the hospital, and told me she'd hit me if I didn't take her.  I said she wouldn't, but she insisted. 

The slap across my face...it wasn't a hard one.  But it was enough of a wake up call.

I'd called for an ambulance.  They took her to the hospital in Braddock where they gave her something to sleep.  They'd told me their psych ward was full or else they'd admit her, instead, telling me to take her home and call her doctor in the morning.

Got her home, got showered and went to work. Called her doc, and she said they'd get her into Western Psych, but they didn't know when.  They'd call me when there was a bed available.  It would be another 24 hours before they could take her.

Another night of three hours of sleep.

Tuesday, August 8th, 2006.  I was at work, around 10:30 in the morning, when I got the call that a bed had opened up in Western Psych, but I had to get her there before Noon.  Now, anyone familiar with Pittsburgh will be impressed when they hear I was able to drive from CMU to Swissvale, get her, and get back to Oakland in under an hour.  Speed laws were broken that day.

She left her home of 40 years that day, and she never came back.

It took some convincing for her to admit herself, rather than have a judge admit her.  I had to be the one who finally convinced her to do it.

She wouldn't leave that place for more than three months.

In the beginning, I was convinced she'd be able to come home again.  I'd bring her home after they were able to help her, and we'd go back to the same old routine.  But there was no coming back from this one.

She'd been diagnosed with depression and cognitive disorders, dementia and onset of Altzheimer's.  There was no coming back from this one.

---

You may ask, why am I writing all this now.  Why am I up at 2:30 in the morning, unable to sleep, like I couldn't 10 years ago? 

I remember anniversaries of important dates.  First time I talked to Julie, first trip out to DeKalb to meet her.  Our wedding day.  I remember them all, just as I remember August 8th.

But decades have always been big for me.  I've seen over the course of my life how things have...changed...as each new decade starts.  I've changed, as it were, with each decade of my life.

I think we all change a little every 10 years, or else we experience something new every decade.  We reinvent ourselves, making changes. Some big, some small.

So it's been a decade since my mother left home one last time, went into Western Psych, and ultimately the nursing home where she spent the last two and a half years of her life.

It's been a decade since I accepted she wouldn't come home, that the house was mine, lost my job, met my true love, moved 500 miles from the only home I'd ever known and became a step-father, and a step-grandfather.

Ten years after.

Nowadays, when I wake up in the middle of the night, it's because I'm too hot.  It's not because My Kid came in the room in the middle of the night swearing she had to go next door to the flower shop (that's not there anymore).

I'll get up and go stretch out on the couch until I cool off enough to go back to bed, where the most amazing woman is waiting for me.  I'll climb back in, and she'll reach over and take my hand, and I can sleep for a couple more hours before I have to get up and face the day.

Yeah, it's been 10 years today, and I may seem a little...introspective, but I'm better today that I was back then.  10 years ago, tonight, I came home and I didn't have to worry about someone waking me up because the demons in her head were telling her things.  Maybe tonight, I'll sleep though the night, to celebrate that anniversary.

It's a decade thing, you understand.

Insert "sleep" song title here

Three and a half hours sleep.

That's what I'm working on tonight.

Three and a half hours sleep.

It's amazing what you can accomplish with that little sleep.

Three and a half hours sleep.



And I wonder how much sleep I'll get tonight...

What then?

The human mind is an amazing thing.

Art...music...poetry...so many wonderful things have spawned from human thought, from a three pound lump of muscle.

But what happens when the mind starts to fail? What happens when something you've relied on your whole life, to make decisions, to guide, to provide rational ideas, does the opposite? What happens when the mind cannot stop thinking, and the thoughts you have make no sense...even to you?

What then?

I am bearing witness to the failing of the human mind, even as I type this.

Frustration. When the thoughts running through your mind make no sense...what happens then? Sure, there are medications that might help, but they take weeks to take effect...and there's no guarantee that it will work.

What then?

Sitting. Words you speak that make little or no sense, even to you. You spend hours and days trying to remember something but you don't know what that is but you know that you should be doing something even if you can't do it and it's not your fault but you still can't stop and...and...and...

What then?

I have no answers to that.
I can't offer any advice.

All I can do is sit and watch...and wait.