I saw her standing there

About a year ago, I lost my best friend.

I met her back in college, lo those many moons ago. She was one of those people who, when you met her, you liked her instantly. She had that aura around her, an open, friendly, pleasant personality that just drew you in and made you feel comfortable.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I had a crush on her from day one. Had fate not intervened, and she was dating one of my friends at the time, I would've asked her out then and there, but that's not something I do. It's not honorable...it's not proper.

Still, we remained friends for years. After college, we both found work at that University, albiet in different departments. I'd visit when I could, we'd hang out on occasion, share laughs, e-mails, and the what-not. She was still dating my friend, so there was no thought of relationship, just of friendship. But there was something about her that drew me closer to her, that made me want to spend the time with her.

That made me fall in love with her.

Still, she was with someone. I was honor-bound not to act on my feelings, but I still told her. I should have listened when she told me she didn't feel the same, but fools in love who listen to their hearts never hear such things.

Years passed. We remained friends, even though we both left that University for other jobs. After an 11-year relationship with my friend (who I hadn't seen in a long, long time by this point) fell apart, we spent a little more time together, hanging out, going places, being together. I did my damndest to ignore that little voice inside me. It was persistent, but I ignored it. She was just getting over someone. I had to wait. Be patient. Stay there for her as a friend and hope it would work out.

Looking back, I should have seen the signs. I should have realized she still didn't feel the same, but...well...you know.

One year, I wanted to spend my birthday with her, but she kept blowing me off and blowing me off, until the point that I didn't even bother talking to her for a couple months. I went to another friends wedding and met someone there who I really hit it off with. Sure, she lived on the other side of the country, but we stayed in touch, and I was loyal to her.

A few months after that, she called me and wanted to get together. I told her up front I was seeing someone else. I can't help but wonder if that's when she decided to start seeing other guys...guess I'll never know. Doesn't matter. That was the end. Although the woman I met at the wedding and I didn't stay a couple, but still remain friends to this day, the damage was done.

Flash forward a year or so. My best friend and I became closer, and I got my hopes up. Could it be the time? Could it be she's starting to feel the same as I do? I poured my heart out to her, telling her things I'd held inside for years. She didn't say a word, instead just listening to what I had to say. I told her to think about what I said...even though foolishly I apologized a short time later, thinking that her lack of response meant I went too far in saying what I said.

See, it always seemed like I was the one pouring my heart out to her and she never responded. Maybe she didn't feel comfortable with it. Maybe she didn't know what to say. Maybe she didn't feel the same and didn't want to hurt my feelings. Damned if I knew.

Trust me on this one: It's better for someone to come out and tell you bad news than to never say a word to you. Knowing, even if it hurts, is better than not knowing.

There's an Elton John song, "Funeral for a friend/Love lies bleeding" that's been going through the back of my head for the last month or two. There's a line in it...

"No, it doesn't seem a year ago to this very day,
She said I'm sorry honey, if I don't change the pace, I can't face another day."

It's been about a year since I've spoken to my best friend. She called me on Sunday evening, to catch up. It'd been about six months since we'd spoken, and although I knew she was with someone else again, my heart always skipped a beat when I talked to her.

Here's a piece of advice for anyone willing to listen: Never tell someone who's admitted they were in love with you that you've told someone else you love them. It's worse, especially since I told her "I love you", and never once did she say it back to me.

It was then I ended an 18-year friendship.

---(*)---

I saw her on the street corner on my drive to work this morning. She'd just come from Starbucks, sipping the coffee she needed to start her day. She never was much of a morning person.

I was a good 10 feet from her and she didn't see me. Typical. She never was observant of her surroundings.

She's lost weight. She looked good, even though she looks like she hadn't gotten that much sleep the night before, but then, she did have trouble sleeping.

The light turned green. I drove right past her...if she was paying attention, she would've seen my car. The license plate's a giveaway: She would've known it was me right away. But she just kept looking the other direction. Didn't really surprise me.

I got a block away, and the skies suddenly opened up and the rains poured down to the ground. It's like the skies knew of all the tears I'd shed for her over the years, and wanted to return the favor, crying for me since I no longer cry over her.

Might take me a little longer than most guys, but eventutally, I do get the message. I finally accepted that she never loved me, and despite the way we parted, I wish her nothing but happiness.

It's just the right thing to do.

Roses (not from the south)

A pretty picture to brighten up your day.



That's all for now...

No title can really fit here, so...

* The kid had some tests done today, and we probably won't get the results of them until later this week. She's nervous...more like scared...about them, and is really depressed about it. I've done just about everything I can to cheer her up, but it ain't working.

* I found some white chocolate M&Ms, by the way. They're not too bad. Don't "ewwww" them until you try some.

* I'm going to shoot for getting tickets to Saturday night's Pirates game. Of course, I'm gonna take the kid, in the hopes to cheer her up a little. She's got a new pair of binoculars (bought them for her last week) and she's been itching to try them out.

Mind you, when I gave her the binoculars, you'd swore I'd given her a solid gold bar. She was so thrilled, so happy...it's the truth that little things given from those you care for most mean more than anything.

* Oh, and I bought myself a new ring. (As a friend told me recently, retail therapy does do wonders for the soul.) It's a nice, simple ring, a nice sized Amethyst (even though it's not my birthstone, but I already have a Star Sapphire...), and it looks good on me. Here's a pic of it:



Okay, that's all for now. When I think of anything else to say, I'll say it...er, ah...type it...whatever.

Oh. My. God.

I just saw a commercial that will cause me no end of problems.

They're now making White Chocolate M&Ms.

I must hunt down this creature...this elusive prey...and make it my own.

Damn. White Chocolate M&Ms. I've gotta try those.

What's the big deal with 6/6/06 anyway?

The number "666" doesn't mean much to me, really.

When I was a kid, they rigged the state's Daily Number lottery so the number 666 would pay off. I never watched The Omen (scary movies and I don't get along, period), so I never knew the connection between the two until years later.

Mind you, numbers fascinate me, but I didn't do much different today than I do any other day.

Tomorrow, the Kid's got a doctor's appointment, so her regular doc can check her out after the dry heaves last week. She hasn't seemed to have the heaves since, 'cept for a couple times. I'm not sure if it's the medication they gave her or whatever bug she had has passed. Either way, this is disconcerting. I'll admit it. I'm concerned.

Right now, I'm just gonna relax and watch the baseball game...

And so goes the weekend...

It's a quiet Sunday afternoon around here. Relaxed in the easy chair, Pirates game on the TV, typing away at the laptop...

The Kid's still got an upset stomach. She's still taking medication before she eats, and I've gotta make an appointment for her to see the doc soon, see what could be causing these problems.

It's been raining off and on all weekend. There were some incredible cloud structures yesterday, but naturally, I didn't bring the camera with me. Such is the way it goes, I believe: Some things aren't meant to be recorded on film. They're meant for the camera in the mind's eye only.

Last week was rough. Some things happened that have never happened before. Some changes were made. Some plans have been started that will lead to further changes.

I just wonder what this week will bring.

Wake me when it's over.

Another late night last night...

During dinner the Kid said dinner (after she was mostly done with it) didn't taste right, and she started to get a little sick. I told her, if it didn't taste good, why did she eat it? She said she was afraid I'd get her something else...I tried to tell her I wouldn't do that, but by this point, she was having the dry heaves. Quick trip to the ladies room, but nothing came of it.

Took her home. She's still heaving. Got her some pepto, but it didn't help. Only after she gave out three belches that put me to shame, she said she felt better.

Of course, it didn't last. By 8 she was heaving again, and nothing would stop her. It's off to the emergency room for the evening...and of course, once again, the doctors did the usual litany of tests only to find nothing wrong. They gave her an injection which helped calm her down and she started to feel better...so they gave her some pills and let her go.

No sooner do we get home and she starts to get sick again. No heaves, thank goodness, but she's afraid she gonna get sick, so she's home, relaxing, trying not to talk.

Me? I'm back at work, running on about five hours sleep, when I'd rather have had a good seven hours. Forgive me if my face falls into the keyboard and gets smooshed...

Never forget

Take the moment today and remember those who have served.
Those who've given their lives.
Those who have sacrificed.

It's called Memorial Day for a reason, folks. Doesn't matter your political beliefs, doesn't matter what you think or feel.

Show them the respect they deserve.

Oh, What a night

(and it wasn't even late December, back in '63).

We left the house a little before 5 yesterday. I was debating whether to park on the South Side and take the water taxi over to the game (which I love to do), or just park next to the ballpark so the Kid and I wouldn't have to walk very far. I took the long way downtown, through the surface streets (because trying to navigate the highways around here is insane, but that's a rant for another time).

I finally opted for parking next to the ballpark, simply because it was cheaper. There was a time you could save money parking across the river and taking the 'taxi, but not on the weekend. This would turn out to be the right decision, later.

We went inside, and after a bit of a walk, I found a place for her to sit while I went and got dinner. Picked her up a burger and got myself a smoked pork sammich from Manny's BBQ (still the best place to eat at the ballpark...I've yet to find another place as good as that), and after we ate, we made our way slowly to the seats.

Back at the first row again, right field side. The usher there is beginning to get to know us. He keeps saying the Kid is a good luck charm, and she flirts like mad with him right back. ;)

The game got started just after 7. First we were up, then Houston, then we rallied, then they did. It was 6-5, going into the bottom of the 8th, when Burnitz hit a homerun pinch-hitting to tie the game...

...and there it stayed. 9th inning. 10th. 11th. 12th. (Finally, the Kid fessed up she needed the bathroom. For someone who goes every two hours like clockwork, I was impressed she made it that far.) 13th.

The 14th inning stretch (double the traditional 7th inning stretch) was a nice touch.

It was the 15th inning, and it was past Midnight. I knew she was tired. She was getting cranky. I asked her if she wanted to leave, and she said what do you think? What's more important to you, me or this game.

It was a no-brainer.

I wished the folks well in our section, said goodbye to the usher and we walked out. All the while, the Kid is crying, upset because we had to leave because of her. She was tired, I knew, and if I was by myself, I would've stayed...but I can't do that. I have to think of her and put her needs first. She had her medication she still had to take, and she's usually fast asleep (waiting for the next two-hour bathroom interval) by this time.

It was the end of the 16th inning before we finally left the ballpark. (We don't walk too fast, y'know). Got to the car for the start of the 17th, and she thinks I'm mad at her. Really, I was just concentrating on driving, and still listening to the game at the same time. Houston was up in the top of the 17th, and they scored. 7-6. I figured, well, they'd been trying to lose it for the last couple innings, they'd finally given up.

Took surface streets back home (if I take the highway here in Pittsburgh, I have to go through a big tunnel, and I'd lose the signal for the game, and besides, it was such a nice night, I did feel like a little crusing).

Bottom of the 17th. First batter, Jose Castillo. First pitch, he hits a home run. These Pirates haven't given up yet. Gawddamn, I yell! They tied it up! It's still gonna go!

We get home, she gets her pills, and I turn the game on. She's gone upstairs to do whatever women do in bathrooms (y'all know, so I don't have to elaborate), and I stand in the archway, watching the game. It's the middle of the 18th. I get my copy of the Media Guide to check on what the longest game they've played: 19 innings, 6+ hours. We're getting close to that.

Bottom of the 18th. The Kid's downstairs. She's sitting on the couch watching. I've got too much energy to sit down, but to keep her calm, I do. Jason Bay at bat. He gets on first. Steals second. The go to intentionally walk Craig Wilson, and there's a wild pitch! A wild pitch during an intentional walk! It's unheard of (mostly)! Bay on third.

Castillo back up at bat. He hits a sac fly to shallow center. Bay's going home...the catcher for Houston drops it...the Pirates win! Holy crap in a hat! They're celebrating like mad down there!

(What is it with Canadians saving sports in this city, anyway? Lemieux did it with the Pirates for years, and now Bay's doing it with the Bucs.)

Game over. I watch a little of the recap and flip on Baseball Tonight on ESPN to see what they have to say about it. Typically, they're anti-Pittsburgh anyway, so they play up more to Houston. Feh. I don't let it bother me.

It was, for the most part, a magical night. An incredible night. Yeah, it was cut short, but if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.

Oh, and for the curious, if we had stayed, and the Pirates needed an extra hand, methinks the Kid was ready to jump in... ;)

Third time's a charm

Okay, this is the last post for today. Promise.
I just had to share this with you:



The rhododendron is in bloom out front. I rather liked this shot...

Slight change of plans

Okay, so I get down to the movie theatre, intent on seeing Over the Hedge. Alas, they stopped showing OTH with the VIP section.

(For those wondering what I'm talking about: I like to go to the AMC Loews theatre at the Waterfront in Pittsburgh. They have a section in the balcony they call their VIP section. The tickets cost a little more, but you also get a coupon for $3.50 off food at their restaurant. The plan was to get down there early, have lunch at their restaurant, and then see the movie. They've got some great food, too...and the $3.50 off makes it a great value.)

The only movies they had with the VIP seats were The Da Vinci Code and X-Men: The Last Stand. Being the geek I am, I opted for X-Men.

It was good.

There was some trepidation from the comic book crowd when they heard Brent Ratner was taking over for Bryan Singer (who moved on to helm some film about a guy with a big "S" on his chest), but the movie was well done. They took elements from the last 30 years of X-Men comics and combined them together flawlessly. It could've been a little longer...I imagine they'll have a director's cut DVD with elements they could have added, but didn't. If you didn't see the first two X-movies, you won't understand some of the characters, but thankfully, they've been showing them on cable the last few weeks to allow folks to catch up.

Even THE KID had no problem following the movie, which shows that it was easy to follow.

It's recommended. Go see it. Hopefully, we'll go check out Over the Hedge next week.

Other than that...tomorrow night...might go see a ball game... ;)

Ah...the four-day weekend

I'm taking today off work.
Monday is Memorial Day.
This means (for those unable to do the basic math) that I'm looking at a four-day weekend.

It's a good thing. Trust me. ;)

I slept in this morning, and I might just take in a movie this afternoon. "Over the Hedge" looks funny as all get out, and since I do love me a good comedy...odds are, I'll go see that. I'll even take THE KID with me, even though I know she'll swear we've seen it already. S'all right. It'll still be a good time.

Folks, have a good weekend.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Once again, "anonymous" decided to grace my journal with another insightful comment. To wit:

Why do you always insist on calling her "The Kid"? She is a grown woman who may be failing in her health but is still not a child. Have some respect for the years God has allowed her to have, please. Call her your mother, not your kid. It just seems demeaning to her, somehow.

Okay, I'm guessing that you know me...but you don't know me all that well. For the record, I respect, care for, admire, and all around love this woman. She is my mother, yeah, but I rarely call her "mom", "mum", "mother"...whatever.

Ever since I was barely an inch taller than her, I've called her "Shorty". One time, I asked her if that bothered her, me referring to her that way, and she said no...in fact, she liked it, especially since I got tall enough that she could rest her head on my chest when she hugged me.

Our relationship is close. She knows how I feel and care for her. She knows how much I love her, and that I'd do anything for her.

In the "online" world, I go by the nom de guerre "Onestar" (or Onie for short). Over at DeviantArt, the character Onestar took on a whole different meaning. He's the character who goes around on Wednesday wishing folks "hump" day greetings, talking about boobies and being a goofball constantly flirting with the ladies.

Over here in this blog, it's closer to the real "me", but I still won't use my real name. I don't like to use my real name online. It's a personal thing...names have power, and I won't have it spread all over the place. To that end, I don't refer to my mother as "Mom", but rather "The Kid".

There's a natural order of things to life. When children are young, parents take care of them. As they get older, the children take care of the parents. Yeah, it's role reversal. It's the right thing to do. So I refer to her as "the kid" in journals and online...in real life, we both know who the parent and who the kid is. It just so happens that there's some blurring of the lines these days.

So, anonymous, there ya go. I hope this helps. Oh, and by the way, congratulations. You've managed to something doesn't happen every day: You've pissed me off. I had to wait a couple days to write this, to cool off. Trust me, the previous version of this journal were nowhere near as kind.

I've a good idea who wrote that. I know where you're coming from, but do me a favor: Back off on this one. I've had a really shitty couple weeks and am not in the mood. Don't bother trying to apologize or anything. Soon, I'll feel a bit better and won't be as pissy as I am right now. For the moment...I'd recommend leaving me alone. You said what you said. I've said what I said. Leave it at that. Taking it...and me...to the next level would not be in either of our best interests

What a week it was

When I wasn't at work, life was good. A bit expensive (Andre Rieu concert, baseball game, brakes for the car), but it was good.
When I was at work, life sucked. Little problems, big problems, frickin' huge problems...I was not having fun.

why do we have to work? What's the sense of it? Make money...for what reason? Only reason why I work is to keep a roof over my head and my kid taken of. Sure, I spend a good bit of cash on music and electronic toys, but I can live (believe it or not) without them.

Some folks define their lives with their jobs. I'd rather have spend my time exploring my world, find myself, and go to more baseball games. ;)

Why couldn't I be wealthy and not this damn handsome? (sarcasm mode off)

The goofball danced

Somewhere, in Andre Rieu's video archive, there is video of me dancing like the goofball that I am.

But you know what?

Sitting there, second row left, two seats from the aisle...it was worth it.

Baseball been very, very good to me

Tickets. First base line. Front row for me and the kid tonight.
And I'm sitting at home watching the game on TV.

It's been raining for the last four, five, twenty days here. I'd hoped it would stop by game time, but it hadn't. We had warm clothes (it was in the mid-fifties) and rain ponchos to keep us dry. We got to the park, it was raining. We ate, it was raining. We sat in the seats waiting for the game to start and it still rained.

After about an hour and a half, I realized the water was ponding down at my feet. My shoes were soaked...and I was worried about the kid (diabetic neuropathy), that she wouldn't realize her feet were getting too wet.

I made a decision I rarely make. I told her we were leaving.

We left. Got in the car. Started to leave the parking lot. I turned on the radio to the game...and they said the game was gonna start in 15 minutes. There was a break in the rain. They were gonna play...but we'd already left, and once you leave, you can't go back in.

Yet it was the best decision. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

The kid's health is more important than a game. We're gonna go see Andre Rieu tomorrow night. I'd rather she be healthy to see that.

I'll be back at the ballpark some other night, preferrably some dry night.

Oh, and for the record, as of this writing, the Pirates are winning 7-3 in the top of the 8th. It started raining again after about five innings.

Yeah. It was the right decision.

Working hard or hardly working?

The weekend. The time when we take all the things we should be doing around the house all the time and try to cram them into two really short days.

Joy.

Painted the front porch yesterday. My bud came over with his power stripper, and we got a good bit of the old paint off. After he finished, I proceeded to put paint to porch, only to have the kid (supervising, of course) sit down in wet paint.

:|

So much for that skirt, I suppose...but the colors match fairly well, so it might not be a total loss.

Taking the kid out to do some shopping this afternoon. She wanted to get a new jacket for the concert this Wednesday, and a new nightgown. Problem is, the clothes she likes went out of style 30 years ago. It's difficult trying to find something she likes, but I'll take here whenever she wishes to go to shop.

But first...I'm off to take a nap.

An experiment...

Hmm. I've never tried to post a photo here.
I wonder what it'll look like.



I guess it'll look like that.

PNC Park at night, after a game last month.
That's all for tonight.
Maybe I'll have something more interesting to say next time when I'm less tired.

Summer's officially here, I guess

About a month or so ago, I ordered new front porch awnings. The old ones I threw out last year...they were torn and starting to look a little...bad. I think I started to see mold on 'em, and at that moment, I knew it was time for them to go.

So, the guy from the awning company told me they'd take about a month to be made, and they'd call us before they came out.

This afternoon, they showed up at the house without calling. Told the kid they were here to hang the new awnings.

Gotta love that.

When the front porch awnings went up, that was, for me at least, the unofficial beginning of the hated time of year: Summer. I've never been one for the heat. Give me cold weather any day (or night). Like a computer, I work better when cooler.

The screens are in the doors. The windows are open. The ceiling fan's spinning, and I'm on the couch with the laptop and my shorts are on. If it must happen, then please, please...if there's some greater being out there...let it be a cool Summer? Please?

There is a balance to life, ya know

Good news: The kid doesn't have an infection. Tests come back negative.
Bad news: She's still perpetually cold and "sick" this afternoon.

Someday, she'll accept that this is a part of growing old. Nothing more than that.

I just pray I go before I get old. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just afraid of growing old.