Help-less

I feel bad.

I'm in St. Louis. Have been all week. Of course, I'm here when it's hot and humid, but from what I'm hearing, that's a typical Summer here. Heat, I can deal with a little. Humidity, on the other hand, drains the very life from me.

But I digress. The humidity's not why I feel bad.

Y'see, for years, I was used to doing everything. If something had to be done, there was no one else gonna do it but me. I took care of Mum for all those years pretty much on my own. When I went to leave Pittsburgh, I packed up the whole house, no thanks to my family. Tim, bless him, helped me when no one else would, but really, I was on my own.

When I got out here, I found a family who was willing to help me. It still, to this day, blows my mind. Family who help? Family who'll come over and help? This is such a foreign concept to me.

Julie is up in DeKalb, trying to clear out space in her home for me to move in. My place, such as it is, has to be packed, and either put into storage or moved to her place. Since I've been out of town working, that's meant we've only had the weekends to do this.

I'm thankful for the job and the paycheck. It's a good job...I love it, save for the distance from home.

And it drives me a little batshit crazy to know that Julie's up there moving me into her place. She's taking care of me. Me! The guy who's done it himself has help.

This is a different concept for me. Whatever did I do to deserve this?

This weekend's gonna be busy. We've got to take Kadie Madison to the vet when I get home. We're taking Hailey and her friend Rachel to see Toy Story 3. We've got a garage sale and a graduation party to go to. We've got to clean out the last of the crap from my townhouse and move it into storage and/or Julie's...our...home before I leave Monday morning. Again.

Did I mention that I told my landlord I'd be out by the end of the month? Hm.

I'm sitting in a hotel in St. Louis, looking out the window at the cars speeding up and down I-64. They're moving fast, but Julie's going faster, and I seem to be crawling. I can only apologize so much for not being there to help. She'd tell me it's all right, but to me it's not. There's a part of me that's not used to the help.

When I leave here tomorrow morning, I'm not going back to Julie's place. I'm going home.