If the groundhog sees his shadow, does that mean I go six more weeks without a job?

Hm. It's February already.
Time flies, as they say.

I'm sitting in my home office, listening to John Mayer live in concert and sipping chai in-between moments of fingers typing on a keyboard. It's about 12 degrees outside, but the wind makes it feel much colder...at least, it felt colder than that when I walked home from Julie's a bit ago.

Hence the chai and the nice, heavy bathrobe I've got on.

It's been awhile since I've entered the blogosphere, either as an author or as a reader. I'd like to say it's because I've been so busy, but really, it's because I've had nothing new to say.

My days are spent looking at job websites, sending off resumes and applications and not hearing anything in return save for the form response which is automatically generated. I'd like to think that, somewhere in the vast chasm that is the working world, a human being actually sees my resume and hits the "send" button on that response form, but being the geek that I am, I know better.

Still, I keep trying. Application after application for everything and anything. Over the past few months, I've applied for every desktop support job I could find, but also such diverse positions as:

• School bus driver (they had me in for an interview, but then they never returned my calls)
• Dishwasher for a hospital (they sent me a letter saying that my credentials are impressive, but I'm not what they're looking for right now)
• Delivery driver
• Field utility marker (someone who goes out and puts the gas line signs out in the middle of nowhere, so construction crews know exactly where to dig)
• Stockroom worker

...the list goes on and on.

It's extremely frustrating and depressing. You get to a point when you begin to question your self-worth. You wonder...am I truly such a horrible person that I can't get a job brewing coffee in a coffee shop?

It's a good thing the chai's the strongest thing I imbibe. If I were a drinking man, I'd long ago have crawled in the bottle and pulled the stopper in behind me.

Thank God for Julie.

She is a wonderful, amazing woman. She's been patient and understanding with me. She knows I'm trying. She's got her own problems, and yet she still finds time to worry about me.

I'm not used to that. I'm used to be the one who's had to carry the burden of the worries, and I wish she'd let me carry some of her burdens, some of her worries, like she carries mine. I've got two big shoulders and a strong back.

It's not easy for her, I can relate. Being the one to have to take care of things for so long by yourself, to all of a sudden have someone else who not only understands but wants to help...

heh

We're alike in many ways. I can understand and respect her wanting to take care of things, and I know she feels the same. All I can do is wait, and give her the time she needs to be able to let me help hold her up like she's been holding me up.

I would do anything for her, give her whatever she wants...even if it's just something simple like a peanut butter and jelly sammich.

The day will come when we won't have so many worries between us. I firmly believe this. All I can do is assure her that, when that day arrives, we'll see it together.

For now...tomorrow's another day...and I'll go back to looking for that job I just can't seem to find...

I love you, baby. I love you with all my heart.