September 29, 1967

Here's the truth: I hate my birthday.

Only those closest to me know the date. It's protected on Facebook, and I've done my level best to restrict the knowledge of it everywhere else. The majority of my co-workers don't know when it is, and those that do know that not only do I not celebrate it, I don't even like to talk about it. 

I'm pretty passionate about it, but no one knows why. Since the 45th anniversary of my day of arrival on this orb has arrived (I buried this article, written in 2012, way back in my archives so it wouldn't be found), I guess I can talk about it now. 

I had a good childhood. Not many friends, but I had a couple, and they were around for a party and cake and presents and the what-not. At least, that's what the pictures tells me. Don't remember much about those days, and it doesn't really bother me that much. Only thing I do remember was this balloon I had; an orange kangaroo named Hoppy. It was a birthday thing. It was something My Kid got, I guess, when I was a baby and it was tradition to get it out and blow it up and put it on the table. Hoppy's long gone, but it's the one memory I still have. 

As I got older, birthdays became more of a family thing. My older brothers, all moved out and on their own now, would come over and we'd have cake, ice cream...you know, the usual. Mum insisted they come over on my birthday, not the weekend before or after, but that day. A birthday, to her, wasn't a holiday that you could celebrate any other time. Birthdays were meant to be celebrated on your day of birth. 

That was the case, at least, until I turned 12. My birthday was on a Saturday, which conflicted with The Big Game (Panthers were playing someone, dunno who, at Pitt Stadium) and my brothers decided the game was more important that my birthday. They went to it and came over to the house Sunday. It was at that point, I decided, I didn't want any more parties, didn't want to celebrate it, didn't even want to acknowledge the day. You had something better to do, go do it. 

I wonder sometimes if that's part of the reason why I loathe football. No, wait. It's because football is slow, boring, and only good for putting me to sleep. That's why I hate football. 

After that, Mum tried to do something for my birthday, but it wasn't the same. No parties. No cake. I didn't want anything to do with the day. 

I tried to have some friends over my 21st, but since I don't drink, it was kinda boring for them. Looking back at it, it was more just an evening with friends hanging out over at my place (something else that happened very rarely as I got older). We had pizza, sat around and talked and didn't do much else. 

My birthday, to me, became a quiet day of reflection. If I could, I'd take the day off work, claiming I was sick or just in need of a day off. For close to 20 years, no one knew of the day. Mum, bless her, tried to do something for me. We'd end up going out to dinner someplace, but as she was getting older, even that fell by the wayside. 

Then she got...bad. Onset of Alzheimer’s. Dementia. She had to be institutionalized while I tried to find a nursing home that could take care of her, because I'd done all I could. 

On my 39th birthday, I stopped by the hospital after work, as I'd done for nearly two months by this point, to spend some time with her. For whatever reason, the nurse was making notes on her sheet, and she asked what day it was. I told her. Mum sat there, and started mumbling the date, wondering why it was so important.

I told her it was just another day. The last thing I wanted was for her to remember it was my birthday and feel bad, somewhere in her mind or heart, that she was there and could do nothing for me.  If she would've thought about it, and remembered what day it was...the pain would've been too much for both of us.

When I turned 40, I was...seeing someone. I was never in a relationship with someone on my birthday, believe it or not. There was a very dear friend whom I loved, but did not love me, that I would go out with (strictly as friends) on my birthday, but the best I ever got was when I kissed her on the cheek. In fact, she'd blown me off several times, so I'd hoped I could spend what I considered a milestone (40 is kinda impressive, I think) with someone who loved me.

Won't go into details. Let's just leave it at...I was alone that night, as usual. Once again, my birthday was just another day.

When that relationship ended, I'd sworn that I would live the rest of my life alone. Kept that promise too, for all of about six months, before I'd met Julie.

My angel.

It's one of life's little ironies, but our birthdays are eight days apart. Same year, same month, separated by only a few days. I think that's incredible. Our first year together, we decided to go to Lake Geneva the weekend between our birthdays, just the two of us, for an overnight. It was an amazing weekend, even if I didn't get the most amazing pizza in the world. (That's another story for another time.)

That year, I spent it with Julie. Best damn birthday I'd had in a long, long time.

Shortly after that, I'd moved out here to DeKalb, out of the only home I'd ever known into my own apartment. It was just down the street from her. A little while later, I got a job (out of work for a year and a half...yadda, yadda, yadda...that story's elsewhere, go look it up) and was coming home from work on my 41st birthday to a surprise party, thrown by my stepdaughter.

It was the first surprise party anyone ever threw for me.

That following year, I was in Phoenix for my birthday, flying home after being away for two weeks. Naturally, we had to go to Applebees for dinner, where everyone was waiting.

These days, the kids know...or at least, they used to know...when my birthday was. Sometimes they get a little too wrapped up in their lives to remember my day, but that's okay. I don't expect anything from them, and I don't say that in a bad way. They've got their own lives to lead, and their own bills to pay. Save their money for themselves. If they think of me that day...which would probably constitute a miracle...I'd be okay.

Julie will wish me a happy birthday several times that day, even though this year, she'll have to work that night. S'okay. I'll be there when she gets off work, and we can sleep in the next morning. To be by her side makes me happier than anything.

Some of the friends I have on Facebook will post something to my page, but those who've known me longer will know all I ask them to post is a smile. Back in my DeviantArt days, I asked my friends there not to wish me a “happy birthday”, but just put a smile on my page. All I wanted is, if they thought about me, I'd hope it'd bring a smile to their faces, and just share that smile with someone else. That was good enough for me.

So now you know. Now maybe you'll understand why I hate, loathe, detest and ignore that day. I'll let it pass quietly as I start another year. If you happen to read this, and know when my birthday is, and you want to wish me something, just smile. That's all. Share a smile and I'll be happy.

After all, as Paul said, it's just another day.

41

Yanno, I sat here, wrote something incredibly deep and so full of bullshit that even I had to look at it and go...screw that.

It's a day. I'm gonna spend it with the woman I love.

The 40th year is over. Time to move on. Let's go have some fun.

Oh, and yes, I changed the color of the blog. It's blue. I like blue.
Don't read anything more to it than that...it's just something a little...different.

Nothin' wrong with different.

Poor little puppy...

Over at my flickr page, I posted this shot of Julie's dog.. I love this shot so much, and I wanted to blog the story behind the shot.

Kadie Madison is a chihuahua-shih tzu mix. She's totally lovable, extremely playful, and a bed hog. Yes, this little dog somehow manages to take up more of the bed than everyone else in the house, myself included. She loves to snuggle, and has almost pushed me out of bed on more than one occasion.

Yesterday, she had an appointment with the groomer. Julie's kids have been trying for some time to get their mom to have Kadie groomed, and get the hair out of her eyes. Finally relenting, the appointment was made, and a very nervous and scared little Kadie was left with the groomers to get "prettied up".

After a couple hours (and a nervous mother and daughter...the latter wanting her little puppy back home), Kadie was ready to be picked up.

We went over to the groomers and got the little angel, all trimmed, hair out of her eyes, looking like a little puppy all over again. The ride home, she leaned against my chest (nowhere near as hard as she did when we were leaving her there...she was pushing with all her might against, not wanting to be left there), and walking into the house, she seemed...lethargic.

This little dog has a lot of energy. She's very playful, happy to toss around a ball or bite my fingers and growl (playing, of course...I call her the "ferocious little beast" when we play). Yesterday, though, she didn't want to do anything. I tried to take her for a walk and she didn't want to move.

I shot this photo on the porch of the house. She looked so pathetic! I love how the background of the photo's overexposed. It emphasizes Kadie, I think, and the look in her eyes...

It wasn't until Julie got home from work and told me it was the bandanna around her neck that she was upset over. When they first put a collar on her as a puppy, she moped around for almost four days before getting over it.

Julie took the bandanna off, and the happy, playful little dog returned.

Right now, Kadie's waiting for me in the other room, waiting for someone to go play with her. I think I'll go see if she wants to be a "ferocious little beast" and have some fun...

These are the days of our lives

I intended to sit here and blog a little this morning.
Then Kadie, Julie's dog, came in and wanted to play.

I've better things to do than sit here and blog right now.
I'll be back later.

Until then...I think Freddy Mercury said it best...

A little waterlogged, but none the worse for wear

Thursday night, 9:20PM CDT.
DeKalb, IL.

I left Pittsburgh Monday before the dawn. Woke up around 2:30 and could not go back to sleep, so I figured...might as well get ready and go.

The trip was uneventful, but gorgeous. I kinda like driving that hour of the morning: Few idiots, and few state police, on the highway. Although it was raining when I left PA, the skies cleared and I was Driving With the Moon again. Always nice to go for a ride with the moon lighting my way, this time, leading me to my love.

The rains from Ike that hit the Midwest made for some interesting moments. Usually, I bypass the heart of Chicago, taking 80/94 to the South and coming up 294 before I hit the East/West Tollway, but 80/94 was closed due to flooding. I was amazed that the entire roadway was closed...and also a bit lost. I'd only ever gone the one way, and here I was going on unfamiliar roads.



Thankfully, I had a rough idea where I was going. When Julie and I spent the weekend in Toledo, she didn't take my turn-off, and went through the heart of the city. She called me for directions, and I had a Triptik in the glove compartment (long story for another blog) how to get there. I talked her through it then, and remembered the directions.

It did add a good hour travel time, however. I'm just thankful I didn't have to go through Chicago during peak rush hour. How folks make it on those roads is beyond me.

When I did make it to DeKalb, it was right before she left work. Mind you, when Julie called me earlier, I sorta...fibbed...on where I was, telling her I was about two hours behind where I was actually was. I pulled into the parking lot at her Target just as she and her team were coming out the door. Rolled down the window and told her "Excuse me, I'm looking for some help finding something..."

To say she was surprised and happy to see me was an understatement.

It's been nice these last few days. I've sent in a bunch of resumes and applications for work out here. Haven't heard anything yet, but I'm hopeful.

Tomorrow's going to be game night here. I've heard stories of the game nights held here at the Williams household in the past, and I'm looking forward to it. Julie's stressing a little: She wants the house to look a certain way before company arrives, and I fear I might've been a...distraction. I know it'll be last minute, but tomorrow, whatever I can do to help clean, I will.

I think I shocked her a little this evening when I washed the dishes in the sink...

This weekend, Julie and I are going to Lake Geneva for a getaway, just the two of us. It's going to be...romantic...I believe. We're both looking forward to getting up early, getting on the road, and just spending some "us" time together.

The more time I spend with her, the harder it is for me to leave here. Hopefully, I'll find work out here, find a place to live (no, I'm not going to move in with Julie just yet) and spend more time with my love and my family.

It's been...amazing, and I believe the best is yet to come.

Sunday morning blogging

I've been up for about two hours now.

Sunday morning have always been quiet times for me. When The Kid was home, I'd get up early to take her to church (she always wanted to go to the early service...7AM early). I'd drive her to the church (right around the corner from the house, but with her bad feet and bad eyesight, it was easier for me to drive her), come home and shower. By the time I was done (as Julie will tell you, I take more time in the bathroom than she does), church would be over. I'd go get her, and we'd go out for breakfast and grocery shopping.

These days, I sleep in a little later. Get up, still take too much time in the bathroom, and come downstairs for a bit of breakfast (this morning, cereal, but some days I'll make microwave pancakes and sausage on the Foreman grill), and ease into the Sunday slowly.

Around lunchtime, I'll get in the car and drive out to check on The Kid. Usually, by the time I get there, they've put her down in bed for an afternoon nap (they get her up around 6, and usually after lunch, she's a little tired, even if she refuses to admit it). I sometimes have them get her up, or I'll pull up the chair next to the bed and visit.

At least, that's what I've done.

Tomorrow, I leave for three weeks with Julie. With any luck, I'll find a job out there, and I'll start the process of moving out to be closer to her.

My life until now had been dull, boring and routine. Not any longer.

I'd always known (and I've mentioned it here in the pages of this blog) that my 40th year on this planet would bring changes to my life. I just never realized how big those changes would be.

The 40th year is drawing to a close. Yeah, that day is almost upon us. Julie said to me last night that she thinks I want to make more of a big deal of it than I'm saying. Honestly, it'll be nice (and different) to spend my birthday with someone who loves me. I've tried to do that before, and it hasn't worked out too well.

It's been a very long time since I've celebrated a birthday. When I was 16, my brothers blew off my birthday because they had tickets to a football game. There was no party, no celebration, no nothing. After that, I decided I didn't want another party. Acknowledge the day, as I've long told my friends, and then let's move on.

It used to frustrate My Kid because she wanted to do something, anything, for my birthday. I told her no cake, no presents, nothing. I just wanted to take the day off work, sleep in, and maybe go out for a nice dinner. That's all. She'd try and find something silly for me, and I appreciated it. I knew how hard it was for her to do or get anything.

On my 39th birthday, she was in the mental hospital. I went up to visit with her, but I told the staff not to tell her it was my birthday...I didn't want her remembering or feeling bad because she couldn't do anything for me, not that she could. She was coming out of therapy when I came in to see her. A nurse was writing a report and asked what's the date. I said it, and The Kid said "why does that sound familiar". I told her it wasn't important...it wasn't anything special.

This year, we'll do the same. It'll be just another day. Acknowledge it and move on.

I'll be spending it with the woman I love. Maybe we'll go out for dinner. Maybe I'll just get an extra long hug from her. Doesn't matter. All I want is to be with her.

Hm. Not sure where this all came from. Just started typing and it poured out. Maybe these are things I needed to say.

They're said now. I think I'll disable comments for this post. Just accept this for what it is...

Quick Geek Notes for a Friday.

I love Gizmodo. For a geek, it's almost like Heaven.

They've got so many interesting finds, geeky things that I find interesting, and they have fun writing about them. I mean, when they covered the Phillips company...you know, those guys who make the sonic toothbrushes...making vibrators and referring to them as "soniccooch", ya just gotta love it.

They also posted an article about a toaster that scans pictures or text and then burns them in the bread. It's such an interesting concept...and you know full well someone's gonna have either a naughty idea about this one, or try and sell the image of Jesus Christ burned into one to someplace like goldenpalace.com.

But my favourite one today had to be the link to the webcam at the Large Hedron Collider. Now, I realize a good number of my readers (or stalkers, if you're sneaking around out there...hi!) are wondering what the hell a Large Hedron Collider is.

Basically, it's a big ring-shaped chamber buried under the Earth over in Europe that scientists are going to use to research thing that only scientists, geeks, nerds and physics students (the lowest of the low...I've known a few physics nerds in my day, and can say that with some certainty) that will find interesting. They're hoping to take two particles, send them through the chamber, and crash them together at high speeds to see if they can learn about the beginning of the universe.

Oh, sure, some have said that it could have created a black hole and wiped us all out in the process, but damnit, this is science! What's a little massive death and destruction on a global scale when it could give us an insight on the God Particle?

I'll bet most of you have glanced over this post and yawned, but this seems to have been a geek week for me. Between the music server, designing fractals, setting up my new Vonage VoIP phone line and reconfiguring my router, I've been in geek mode. It's my blog. I can geek here if I wanna.

Next week I'll be headed out to see Julie. I have to geek now while I'm able...

"If you don't vote, you're a moron"

The Bluesman, Live in Concert

So, today's been a mega-geeky kinda day.

I can probably guarantee this is the kinda day that will likely drive Julie nuts, when we're living together, because she'll be wondering what the Hell she's done, falling in love with a geek.

At any rate...

I've set up a music server here at home. One computer, with all my music ripped to MP3 (at the "insane" bitrate, remember), running Ubuntu and Squeezecenter.

The setup is simple. I've just got to open Firefox to Squeezecenter's webpage, and use the interface to pick and choose what songs I wanna hear. From there, I use any audio player that can handle streaming music (I recommend, as always, Winamp), and tell it to play. The music starts playing. Sure, I could just pop in the CD, but if I wanna hear a mix of Emimen, Andre Rieu, Frank Sinatra and Blue Man Group, I can use this. It's simple, in a geek kinda way.

I wanted to play music from the server through my PSP. I knew it could be done: A few firmware updates back, they added Internet Radio to the device. S'cool: You can choose from a bunch of streaming audio stations and have it play through your wifi connection. But I couldn't figure out how to get my music play.

A bit of websurfing, a few downloads, a quick editing of a HTML file and not only was the music streaming, I was geeking out. Thank goodness no one saw me geek dancing in the living room. It was not a pretty site.

But that's not all I was doing. I was multi-geeking.

I've been playing with Apophysis again, designing more fractals. I wanted to make a calendar of my fractal art, and I completed the last couple designs for it. I'd made one more design, and this time...I wanted to do something different.

It's just a shame that some damn tagger had to go and mess up that wall after I hung the poster...

Answer

Sunday night. 8:25PM. Pittsburgh, PA.

Kinda quiet around here.

Julie's been in Joliet for the weekend at the race. We've talked several times, sent text messages, but it's not the same. I wish she were here or I was there. I'd love to hold her, sit across the dining room table from her, or just, as she's so eloquently puts it, chill.

Went out to check on the kid today. She's had a perm...for those of you who've seen her, you'll know she's never had a perm in her life. It was a little strange, seeing her with perm-ed hair (I've no other way to describe it), but it kinda fits her. I think she likes it.

The first question she asked me (after the tears from seeing me and a bit of a hug) was "where's your girlfriend". She asked for Julie. Wow. That's never happened before. Guess what, sweetheart...you're in, if she asks for you right away.

Stayed with her for about an hour, even though she slept part of the time. As I was on my way out, my oldest brother was coming in with some ice cream for her. She'll like that. I stopped to get the tires rotated on the car, did a bit of shopping (found the last two Dale Jr. Limited Edition Amp Energy Drink cans for Julie), and came home for the evening.

Been doing a little web-surfing, relaxing, and some light reading. A typical Sunday night, I guess.

Heh. Typical. I don't think I know the meaning of that word anymore.

Last night, I went to my favourite fast food establishment for dinner, but as I sat there, after I ordered, I felt so...empty. It was the first time after spending so long with my love that I'd gone out to eat by myself.

For so long, I've just gone out and never thought about it. I just got my dinner, ate it, and moved on. Last night, I realized...I don't want to just have dinner out by myself anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be with the woman I love.

I'm waiting, but it's not easy. It's taken me this long to find her, I'll wait a bit longer, until we're together. "It'll all be worth it, in the end", or so Sarah McLachlan says.

I'm tempted to believe her.

Oh, yeah...since some of you asked...

I went on the interview yesterday. Met with their HR person and their (only) other IT guy.

It's a small company (not naming any names right now), but they've offices in Houston and Las Vegas as well. Seems that part of the job would be covering those offices while their respective people are on vacation. That's cool. I can handle that.

The interview lasted about a half hour. They asked why I'm not working, and what happened, and I told 'em. They asked if I've learned anything and I said "delete before you hit send". ;)

They told me they'd call me later this week/early next week if I was still a candidate, to meet with their head of IT. Haven't heard anything yet, so we're leaving it at the "no news is good news' stage.

I'm still applying for other jobs, both here and out near DeKalb. Yes, you read that right. I'm applying for jobs out near Julie. If I get a good offer out there...

Home(?)

I got back in the 'Burgh around 7PM.

The house was still in one piece. The fish was swimming happily. I gave him a bit more food than usual. If he's not alive in the morning, it's 'cause he was just so happy to see me.

Started to do a bit of stuff around here. Stripped the beds, tossed in a load of laundry, and kept going until I sat down at the computer. That was all she wrote. As long as I'm moving, I'm good. If I stop, I'm done. I stopped.

The neighbor dropped off my mail about an hour and a half later. We talked for a bit. I told him if I didn't have the interview, I wouldn't even be here. He understood, and admitted he's surprised I haven't said that sooner.

Haven't had a reason to say it sooner.

Talked to Julie. She was having pizza with the kids. (She always seems to have the good stuff after I leave...I'm just teasing!) I figure by now, she's stretched out in bed, since she has to get up for work early. Tomorrow night, she's working the overnight shift (but she has Friday off). She's gonna be busy. She'll have things to think about, so I hope she won't think about me not being there.

I can't help but think about her. Always do, even when I'm busy.

I'll go upstairs and flip the mattress (the hardest mattress she's ever felt, or so she tells me) and put new sheets on it. Guess I'll just relax for a while before calling it a night, and get up early tomorrow morning, ready for the interview.

Try not to miss my love. Try being the optimum word.

Sorry if this is depressing, kids. I'm a little tired. I'll try and be more upbeat next time, promise.

It's never goodbye

It's about a quarter after 8 on Monday night.
I'm on battery power (Hailey's using my charger), so I don't know if I'll finish this tonight. There's so many words swirling around in my head and my heart that I don't know where to begin.

I've spent the last two and a half weeks with Julie. It has been...amazing. If I didn't have to go back to Pittsburgh for the job interview Wednesday morning, I doubt I'd be leaving tomorrow morning.

Today was a quiet kinda day. After Julie got off work, we spent some quiet time together: An early dinner at Applebee's and a movie (Pineapple Express). I admit, I didn't think I'd enjoy that movie, but I laughed my ass off. It was so wrong that it was funny.

Hailey's birthday is this Friday. (Have fun down at the race track, my dear!) I wanted to get her some little thing, nothing too big, but something I'd hope she'd like. We stopped at Barnes and Noble, and I got her a sketchbook, some pens and some stickers to make it her own. She liked it when I gave it to her a bit ago...she was genuinely touched. I'm glad.

For those of you who might wonder, yes, I will be fine tomorrow. I'll be driving in my car, singing to whatever I may find on the XM, and trying not to think about going back to Pittsburgh. I'll be thinking more about Julie. When she goes on break at 10:30 AM, I won't be able to bring her a Sweet Tea from McDonald's. I won't be here at home, waiting for her when she gets off work, greeting her with a hug and a kiss and a "how was your day". I won't be able to lay next to her at night when we go to bed.

For a little while, I'll be back in Pittsburgh. I've some things I've got to do, some very important decisions I have to make.

Julie wants me to stay. I want to stay. Responsibilities, for the moment, tell me I have to leave.

To Julie I say this, for the world to hear. I love you. You have my heart. There will come a day, beloved, that I will not have to leave you for weeks on end, with only the phone and IMs between us. There will come a day when you can roll over first thing in the morning (and I promise you, it won't be at 2:30 in the morning) before we get up for work and you can say "hi" to me, sleepy-eyed, and give me that first kiss of the day. There will come a day when we will be together.

It won't be tomorrow, I know, but it will happen. Of this, you have my word.

It's never goodbye between us. I told her that the first time I came out here.
It's just "I'll see you soon".

I'll see you soon.
I love you.