The "Death" of Onestar

Well, if you've stopped by here, no doubt, you're wondering just what the heck is going on.

My DA account? Pretty much gone. The last few journals are gone.
My SA account? Closed for now. I'll come back to it in 2008 full-time. Right now, I'm in super lurker mode.

Several blog posts are gone? Yeah, well...

For those of you who don't know, my lady and I have decided to part ways. Please don't ask for details...it's just one of those things that happens. I still care for her and wish her the best. It just wasn't meant to be, that's all.

But it did get me thinking. It's time for me to make some changes in my life, and one of the biggest ones is that as of today, "Onestar" is, well, no more.

"Onestar" is a character I created over 15 years ago for a Dungeons and Dragons game I was in at the time. For those who play or have played D&D, you'll understand why I loved the character. When I rolled the samurai's stats, he was pretty much all 18's, and the DM was a firm believer of first edition rules, so when he explained Psionics to me, I was intrigued, and he let me roll for them. "Onestar" had the second-highest psionic points you could get...he was, truly, a character who could do no wrong.

Around that time, I also started working full-time for the library system, and needed to create an e-mail/login account. Well, my last name can be misspelled quite easily, so "onestar" seemed the logical choice. An online persona was born, as it were.

Over the years, "Onestar" went onto other things...creating an e-zine that, at the time of the mid-nineties, was pretty good with over 200 readers at it's peak. The login followed me around to various sites and places, and when I joined DeviantArt in 2001, it was, once again, the perfect choice for a handle.

"Onestar", or "Onie" as he had become known over there, was a different character than the real me. He was much more flirtatious, more easy going, more of a cad than the real me. Folks still don't believe, to this day, that the real me is kinda shy and retiring, although I do hide it well with a mask of bravado. "Onie" was a ladies man, something I'm not, let me assure you. He might seem like a "love 'em and leave 'em" kinda character, but the real me longed to find true love, my soul mate, someone to share my life with.

"Onestar" became a figurehead, of sorts, over at DA. His "cult of personality" and "harem" were somewhat well known, but there were only a handful...more than likely whomever's reading this...who were given the opportiunity to learn my real name and try to get to know the "real me", if such a thing exists.

Sure, there were a few times the "real me" would step out from behind the curtain and let the boobie-loving goofball guard down. Those moments were few and far between, to be sure. It was far, far easier to be an online flirt full of his own bullshit than to be, well, me.

Then came the changes at DA. Jark was gone, the ninja in his place. Traditionally, samurai don't get along well with ninja, and I became, once again, a figurehead trying to rally support to Scott's side. Sure, it was like pissing in the wind, as a friend might say, but he's still my friend...his Mom is someone I care for deeply, being one of the few Deviants from that place whom I've had the chance to meet "in real life", and was someone who trusted me with the knowledge that she WAS Scott's mom, long before the rest of the world knew. I was honored by that, and was willing to do anything for her son...my friend.

DA became too big, too much. I needed a break from the place. Left for awhile (only to sneak in, as a lot of you know, under the guise of "mordalo") only to return as "Onestar", that lovable goofball, until Storm Artists popped up.

My disillusionment with DA, my fascination with the place long faded, I left there for brighter shores, bringing some of you with me. Thank you for that. It meant a lot, knowing you tagged along for the ride.

Before I'd left DA, I'd met someone...my aforementioned lady...and we met out here "in the real world" and became friends. She fell in love with me long before I realized I loved her back, and we...well...

Blogs may be great places to document thoughts and share lives, but some memories stay personal.

That was yesterday, and like the old song goes, "yesterday's gone". So, too perhaps, should "Onestar". I'm not ready to reveal my "real name" online just yet, and I've no other nickname ready...so for the forseeable future, this blog shall be titled "The Journal of ..." until I know which direction I want to take it.

I've been "Onestar" for the past 15 years. He's been the one to get the women, the power, the glory. Me...I don't really want power and glory, and all I'd really like is to find someone to love and someone to love me, but if I don't find that...it's all right. I think I'll be fine being alone.

(Don't frown over the thought of that. Long ago, I realized that there was a good chance I'd be alone after a certain point...I've come to terms with it, and trust in the Universe to take care of me.)

The only constant in this universe is change, and there's always a brand new day waiting for us when we're ready for it. I'm not afraid of these changes. I embrace them. I'm just trying to be true to myself...the man I really am, and not some character who hides behind a keyboard, masking fears and insecurities behind boobie and hump-day jokes.

I'll still take pictures. Might share one or two of them here, but I'll post 'em over at my flickr page, conveniently linked here, just for you. :)

If you want, take a moment and help me bid "Onestar" a fond farewell. All you see, now, is me.
And believe me, I'm not that bad a guy, really. Still a bit of a goofball, slightly balding, lopsided smile and everything else.

It's my turn now.